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Missing The Christian Festival Vibe?

Are you recently home from a Christian Festival? Missing it? Are you missing not just the people, the worship, the Bible teaching, but are you missing the whole vibe of being there?

Here are the Church Sofa 10 tips to recreate the Christian Festival Vibe in your life.

  1. Don’t Shower.
  2. Hang around outside playing an acoustic guitar. At 11:30pm.
  3. Have bare feet while visiting your local Christian bookshop. Better if they are muddy.
  4. Always use the outside toilet. Don’t have one? Improvise.
  5. Insist on paying money for the after church coffee.
  6. Get rid of your old wine*. Only drink New Wine.
  7. Volunteer for the sound team at church, adjust the worship teams volume up to 11.
  8. Have a garden? Get your tent out – that’s your new bedroom.  (Also see point 2) 
  9. Don’t shower before Church. Muddy bare feet are again a bonus. 
  10. Expect miracles.

*Contact Sofa for information on how to remove your old wine. 

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What Christians Do On Holiday?

Sofa has finally got round to booking some holiday. Now we dont have much booked in, so I consulted a few local church people for ideas of what a Christian should do on holiday.

Here’s a few ideas of what a Christian should do on holiday.

Go and look at some old churches.

Because they are kinda pretty….

Sit somewhere nice and enjoy the view.

Interrupt the  evening of those around you, by asking if they know and love Jesus. Keep talking until they do.

Try Out Your Local Christian Festival.

Could try evangelizing there?

Read your Bible.

Go out somewhere interesting*, and read your bible somewhere a little interesting. Tweet me a picture or something afterwards.

Drink Water. Plenty of Water.

 

Any other suggestions?

*interesting – NOT stupid. I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE TO FALL OF A CLIFF OR DROWN OR ANYTHING!!!

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10 Unfortunate Things to Think During Communion

You’re at Church, and its a Communion service.

You’ve survived that loud “peace” stage of the service, and you’ve got to the point where the bread is starting to be broken up and distributed amongst the people there. Its normally a serious moment, but has your mind ever wondered during a communion service at all?

If it does. Dont think of these things.

  1. If communion is shared around a circle, dont wonder if anyone sharing the cup has the plague.
  2. If individual cups are used, don’t wonder which cup you would put the poison in.
  3. Dont think about poisoning people, animals, or goats.
  4. Why is only the vicar allowed to do communion? I thought we were all equal before God?
  5. No the bread isn’t stale enough to warrant a food fight.
  6. (If in a church that uses non alcoholic wine). Dont wonder if the Ribena should suddenly become alcoholic.
  7. When the vicar is away, its probably best not to wonder why The Powers That Be insist that a visiting vicar needs to come in and do communion.
  8. Dont wonder if it will be funny if you sneeze as you have the communion cup in your mouth – mid gulp – you’ll probably end up doing it, and you might just end up choking. And thats not fun for anybody. Remember its a communion service, there isn’t time for a funeral. So dont choke on the communion wine.
  9. In many Churches, Communion is a serious moment. Its quiet. People might have their heads down. People may be praying. Do not think about how funny it will be if you laugh. Dont think about laughing. Because you’ll swallow that urge to laugh, but then. You’ll think about how funny it might have been if you did laugh, and now the urge to laugh is stronger then before… etc… etc…
  10. Work out a way to ensure the vicar has loads of wine to consume at the end. Watch to see if they really drink all of it. Maybe offer them a lift home if they do?

Any more?

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Ten Ways to Misbehave at Church

Have you ever gone to Church and thought about how well behaved people seem to be? Have you ever got slightly bored and wondered what you could do about it? Well you might find some inspiration here in our list of Ten Ways to Misbehave at Church*:

  1. Go to one of those Churches that meet in a School hall? Position one chair facing backwards.
  2. Got a visiting preacher? Replace his water with gin. **
  3. Swap the communion wine with Port.**
  4. Just like if you were catching a train, lock all church doors 60 seconds before it begins.
  5. Phone people in the congregation. See who has their phone on sound.
  6. Cook breakfast (Hot Cross Buns, Fish, Pancakes, anything Church related). Immediately underneath the smoke detectors. Dont turn off the fire alarms.
  7. Play catch with Christingles.
  8.  During the peace, greet everybody with a Holy Kiss.
  9. Give tambourines to all small children during an all age service.
  10. Visiting a different church? Shout hallelujah for every second sentence. Shout AMEN for every third!

Any more you’d suggest?

*Obviously any of this may really annoy people. Be careful of your audience. Play nice. We accept no responsibility if you end up in Church Jail!

** Might want to ‘borrow’ peoples car keys.

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Jesus Appears In A Drink’s Cabinet

He’s appeared in a toilet, toast, a receipt ,a Nintendo, pizza, a red arrows show, a toilet, and even a spot of grease*!… and now.

Jesus has now appeared in a drinks cabinet.

According to The Telegraph**:

Jesus Christ performed many miracles, according to the Bible. He turned water into wine, fed five thousand people using a very limited food supply, and has now appeared in a church organist’s cocktail cabinet.

Robert Burgess-Moon, 35, was delighted that he was chosen to experience an apparition of Christ. He said that he noticed nothing untoward about the cabinet until he felt like he was being watched as he watched TV.

He told the Plymouth Herald: “I thought ‘There’s a face looking at me through the cabinet’, it looked like the face of Jesus, the image everybody has of him. We were quite shocked really, it was just not something you expect, it’s like a Holy Spirit cabinet now.”

 

Have you found Jesus in a drinks cabinet recently?

Found at Christian Nightmares.

*possibly

**sorry.