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10 Things Not To Do During A Communion Service

Have you ever wondered what people who aren’t used to Church services, think about Church services? Have you ever wondered if its clear what you should be doing in a church communion service? Have you ever wondered what you probably should not do during communion?*

Here’s our list…

  1. Sneeze in to the hair of the person in front of you.
  2. Loudly discuss if the common cold is contagious.
  3. Loudly discuss the vintage of the wine, just after you’ve had a sip.
  4. Start a debate about the various names for the communion service.
  5. Give everyone a special Holy Kiss during the peace.
  6. Jesus took communion as part of a meal. Time for a food fight?
  7. Ask your neighbour if they’ve had their flu shots recently.
  8. If you happen to take two bits of bread… anything you can make a sandwich with?
  9. Loudly question the choice of wine, and ask for cider instead. The colder the better
  10. You know the napkin that is passed around with The Communion Cup? Use that to blow your nose.

Any other suggestions?

*The Church Sofa doesn’t accept any responsibilities for any action that results from the above. If you get involved in a food fight, please don’t blame us!

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10 Unfortunate Things to Think During Communion

You’re at Church, and its a Communion service.

You’ve survived that loud “peace” stage of the service, and you’ve got to the point where the bread is starting to be broken up and distributed amongst the people there. Its normally a serious moment, but has your mind ever wondered during a communion service at all?

If it does. Dont think of these things.

  1. If communion is shared around a circle, dont wonder if anyone sharing the cup has the plague.
  2. If individual cups are used, don’t wonder which cup you would put the poison in.
  3. Dont think about poisoning people, animals, or goats.
  4. Why is only the vicar allowed to do communion? I thought we were all equal before God?
  5. No the bread isn’t stale enough to warrant a food fight.
  6. (If in a church that uses non alcoholic wine). Dont wonder if the Ribena should suddenly become alcoholic.
  7. When the vicar is away, its probably best not to wonder why The Powers That Be insist that a visiting vicar needs to come in and do communion.
  8. Dont wonder if it will be funny if you sneeze as you have the communion cup in your mouth – mid gulp – you’ll probably end up doing it, and you might just end up choking. And thats not fun for anybody. Remember its a communion service, there isn’t time for a funeral. So dont choke on the communion wine.
  9. In many Churches, Communion is a serious moment. Its quiet. People might have their heads down. People may be praying. Do not think about how funny it will be if you laugh. Dont think about laughing. Because you’ll swallow that urge to laugh, but then. You’ll think about how funny it might have been if you did laugh, and now the urge to laugh is stronger then before… etc… etc…
  10. Work out a way to ensure the vicar has loads of wine to consume at the end. Watch to see if they really drink all of it. Maybe offer them a lift home if they do?

Any more?

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Ten Ways to Misbehave at Church

Have you ever gone to Church and thought about how well behaved people seem to be? Have you ever got slightly bored and wondered what you could do about it? Well you might find some inspiration here in our list of Ten Ways to Misbehave at Church*:

  1. Go to one of those Churches that meet in a School hall? Position one chair facing backwards.
  2. Got a visiting preacher? Replace his water with gin. **
  3. Swap the communion wine with Port.**
  4. Just like if you were catching a train, lock all church doors 60 seconds before it begins.
  5. Phone people in the congregation. See who has their phone on sound.
  6. Cook breakfast (Hot Cross Buns, Fish, Pancakes, anything Church related). Immediately underneath the smoke detectors. Dont turn off the fire alarms.
  7. Play catch with Christingles.
  8.  During the peace, greet everybody with a Holy Kiss.
  9. Give tambourines to all small children during an all age service.
  10. Visiting a different church? Shout hallelujah for every second sentence. Shout AMEN for every third!

Any more you’d suggest?

*Obviously any of this may really annoy people. Be careful of your audience. Play nice. We accept no responsibility if you end up in Church Jail!

** Might want to ‘borrow’ peoples car keys.

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Church Sofa Half Serious Guide to Church: Holy Communion

Communion, (otherwise known as Holy Communion, Eucharist, The Lord’s Supper, The Breaking of Bread, and Mass) is an act of Christian worship which involves sharing bread and wine between the people present. This is to remember The Last Supper and the events that followed it.

A solemn act of worship to remember the ultimate act of love.

Sadly sometimes people do take communion for various reasons:

  1. Because Church happens so early in the morning that you skipped breakfast… And that bread looks good.
  2. Because you’re in the church worship band, and every gig needs alcohol.
  3. It’s a rite of passage.
  4. It’s kinda the reason why we are there  in the first place…
  5. If you’re a Christian and have a drink early on a Sunday morning, that’s ok and socially acceptable.
  6. Because if you take a big enough lump of bread, you can save money on lunch…
  7. Because (by sharing one cup between many people) we prove Christians don’t get ill.
  8. Because seeing how high Jesus’ blood alcohol level is, makes us a little less guilty about our own.
  9. Because they have real wine… and your last church used the non alcoholic stuff…
  10. Think how long the sermon would be if the communion wasn’t there, as such people take Communion because they’re thankful.

Any other reasons?