This week in the internet

Every week Sofa attempts to round up some of the bits of church internet, that didn’t really make it as a proper post. I say attempt – mostly because this doesn’t seem to have happened for a while. I’m not sure why.

Any way… This collection of fun links comes to you to the backdrop of “Happy Feet.” A bonkers film about singing penguins.

Jim Bakker wants to sell you a Trump Photo…

When A Church Just Asks Its Old People To Leave…

Well. According to Premier Christian News, this is a thing…

Grand Forks Herald reports that a church memo was sent to elderly members recommending they attend the Woodbury campus while the church “resets”. They were also encouraged to wait two years before re-applying for membership.


Sofa is all for encouraging young people in church, but does also feel that lowering the average age by default is simply cheating.

Being A #TradWife

And then… there’s this…

Something for the Doctor Who fans out there, there is an English / Judoon translator. Could be useful for this weekends Doctor Who episode?

101 Things To Do In A Boring Sermon

This moment must have happened to me a number of times. Its that moment in church, that where no matter what you do, you just cant seem to pay attention to the sermon. For whatever reason, the sermon is boring, and you need to do something to stop sleep from setting in. So what can you do in a boring sermon?

To celebrate 6 years of Church Sofa, we’ve put together 101 Things To Do In A Boring Sermon.

Be warned, some of these require the following implements:

  • Pencil
  • Paper
  • Post it notes,
  • Smart Phone.
  • A strong bladder.

Once you have the above, here are 101 Things To Do In A Boring Sermon.

  1. Can you subtly take a selfie of yourself pretending to be asleep?
  2. Very gently plait the hair of the person in front of you. Bonus points if he’s a dude with very short hair.
  3. Use a selfie stick and see how many people are asleep on the row ahead of you.
  4. Consider checking Facebook. Realise that’s far to obvious.
  5. Ponder about the popularity of TED talks, and how this relates to the length of a normal sermon.
  6. Write notes from the sermon word – for – word.
  7. Complete the following calculation: If Jesus can turn water into wine, how much wine is ok to drink before you start on the water?
  8. Try calling mobiles of other people who preach in the congregation. See who’s not switch it to silence.
  9. Try to answer the question : “Did Judas have a choice?”
  10. Wonder if long lists could ever be the basis of a book.
  11. Ask the person beside you “How much communion wine I’m I really allowed to drink?”
  12. Calculate how long it’s been since you last went to Church.
  13. Indulge in some live tweeting.
  14. Like The Church Sofa Facebook page.
  15. Consider praying for someone to really learn something from this sermon, and thank God for the person preaching.
  16. Sketch out a picture of your Church.
  17. If the preacher was one of the Friends characters, which one would they be?
  18. How much communion wine is to much communion wine?
  19. Mentally plan out a Social Media calendar for your church.
  20. Write a series of Christian insults on a series of post it notes.
  21. How many post it notes can you stick to the back of the person in front of you?
  22. Mentally plan out how to get the above to happen.
  23. Write someone a love note.
  24. Sketch out a picture of your Church, if it was filled with clowns.
  25. Ask yourself, if Delirious were to reunite for one gig (obviously held in your church), what would that set list look like?
  26. Imagine the sermon if it was preached by C3P0.
  27. Organise a betting ring, place a bet on which way that sleeping person is going to fall.
  28. Order Pizza. If you get any puzzled looks from other people on the pews, explain that you are evangelizing to Pizza Hut.
  29. Mentally redesign the church website.
  30. Play sermon bingo.
  31. See that baby in the row in front of you? Find out how easy it is taking candy from a baby. (Warning. Don’t get shot)
  32. Count how many times a small child can run rings around the preacher whilst their preaching, before the preacher looks annoyed.
  33. Count how many times you can run rings around the preacher whilst their preaching, before the preacher looks annoyed.
  34. Sketch out a picture of your Church, if it was filled with Daleks.
  35. Pass a secret note to your mate in the worship band. Bonus points if you’re sat in the back row.
  36. Look up on your phones amazon app which inflatable pillow you’re going to buy.
  37. Work out which is the safest direction to lean in case you go to sleep.
  38. Play PCC Top Trumps.
  39. Open a betting ring on your row. Take bets on how many people in your church are pregnant.
  40. Form a discussion group amongst your row, discuss who would preach a better sermon. Captain Kirk, or Captain Picard?
  41. Look at the shirts of the people on the row in front. Imagine which would give you the worst head ache if you were ever to be hungover in Church.
  42. Write a play that features Jesus in the role of Batman, and Judas in the role of The Joker.
  43. Whisper to the person next to you that you’ve been diagnosed with the black death. Take a photo of the look on their face.
  44. Whisper to the person on the other side of you that you’ve been diagnosed with the black death. Take a photo of the look on their face. Compare and contrast the two faces.
  45. Using your hands as puppets, act out the sermon.
  46. Sketch out the plan for The Church Sofa App.
  47. Try working out at which point, I decided writing a list of 101 things to do in a boring sermon was a bad idea.
  48. Work out a business plan for your church to open a brewery.
  49. Send the Church Sofa a tweet to say hello.
  50. Wonder if any more “plugs” can be thrown into this list.
  51. Check out the Dads Sofa while using your church wifi. (Looks like I can include one more)
  52. Take your pen, and write the person in front of you a note. (By writing on the back of their neck)
  53. Text people that you know will be in church the following message: “Hello, I’m just testing that your phone is on silent.”
  54. Sketch out a picture of your Church, if it mirrored the biblical model of Church.
  55. Ponder if God is speaking, is anyone listening.
  56. Draw what an Army of Bones would actually look like.
  57. Imagine if the sermon was told in the style of a 1980s Doctor Who. (Which had ran out of budget for that years series)
  58. Calculate how many church committees it would take to change a lightbulb.
  59. Write notes in the style of a Simpsons comic.
  60. Measure how much water you can get away with drinking without needing to pee. Write down how much you get away with drinking before needing to go to the toilet. Challenge yourself to drink more next time.
  61. Read the Church Bible. Choose which embarrassing Bible verse you are going to ask the preacher about after the service.
  62. Scribble a plan for a comedy music video featuring the church leadership team.
  63. Work out who you need to speak to about the wifi code.
  64. Sketch out a picture of your Church, from the point of view of people who are outside.
  65. Got nasty hayfever? Plan for what you can use once your tissues run out!
  66. Write proper notes.
  67. Bribe the PA guy to create a “Technical Fault”.
  68. Try and sneak a plastic duck into the baptism pool.
  69. Imagine what the preacher would look like dressed as The Doctor.
  70. Write your own silly list.
  71. Challenge yourself and see how far you can army crawl away from the hall before you are seen.
  72. Stand at the back and make the “Your flies are down” action.
  73. Make a paper aeroplane with the notice sheet. See how far it can fly.
  74. If the preacher was one of The Big Bang Theory characters, which one would they be?
  75. Sketch out a picture of your Church, if it was more inviting to people who dont go to Church/
  76. Ponder. How many deacons are to many?
  77. Read the Bible, write an encouraging note in the side of pages.
  78. Silent disco on the back row.
  79. Livestream yourself online sleeping.
  80. If you’re still wondering what the guitarist was doing during worship consider taking some guitar lessons.
  81. Can you catch a Pokemon from your seat? (If you see one please send the church sofa a picture of a pokemon in Church)
  82. Dont ask what your Church can do for you, but what you can do for your Church… or something…
  83. Contact the Church Sofa and encourage him to actually write that book about being a Church Sofa. (Feel free to suggest better ideas)
  84. Calculate the environmental impact of the amount of the amount of weekly paper based church leaflets.
  85. Distract that also distracted child, so their parents dont have to.
  86. Imagine the sermon if it was preached by R2D2.
  87. Count the amount of times I refer to communion wine in this list.
  88. Whisper in to the Church Wardens ear about setting up a traffic light system at the back of the hall to encourage preachers to wrap up when its time.
  89. Apologise to the Church Warden for whispering into their ear.
  90. Scribble down a list of signs that your church could have outside.
  91. Do the YMCA dance at the back of the church hall.
  92. Arrange a number of people to hold up score cards at the end of the sermon.
  93. Ask yourself. Does the writer of this list, regret spending his time writing this silly list?
  94. Try and work out what the worst question the preacher could ask you about this sermon is.
  95. Wonder what was going on in Andys’ head that led to Tales From The Toy Shelf becoming a “thing”.
  96. Count the grammer / spellling mistakes in this list. Dont share them. Please.
  97. Count the amount of TV / Film references in this list.
  98. Reread this silly list and spot the duplicates.
  99. Reread this silly list and count the entries that suggest some level of regret about this idea.
  100. Comment below about what you want to see from The Church Sofa during the next year of its life.
  101. Ask yourself why you only considered doing number 15.

Any more that you would add?

Views of a last supper

I’ve just taken a quick straw poll*, and I’ve found that the most well known scene in the gospels isThe Last Supper. (Obviously after the crucifixion, and anything to do with Christmas).

I would guess it fair to say that one reason why the scene is so well known is due to The Last Supper painting:



I figured it would be interesting to look at the other not so famous looks at The Last Supper… (Be warned, one of them is a little naughty, not very naughty, but a little naughty)

The Ordering A Very Large Table Last Supper.


The Traitors Last Supper


The Selfie Last Supper


The Doctors Last Supper


(How long is that scarf?)

The Jedis’ Last Supper


Which is your favourite last supper? 

*A straw poll of lego men… but hey…

What can the Church learn from Doctor Who? (Part 2)

If you haven’t guessed, this is a follow up to last weeks “What can the Church learn from Doctor Who?” I could explain the existence of a second part by saying something about the high quality ideas that came from Twitter… but lets face it. All the best Doctor Who episodes are over multiple episodes.

So… what else can the Church learn from Doctor Who?

Please bear in mind that these are lessons from Doctor Who. Any problem with the content of these lessons? Take it up with The Shadow Proclamation.

Warning. There are monsters ahead…

Remember not everyone can get up stairs.

Remember your history.

Season 1 Episode 1 – An Unearthly Child by elviscudd

Remember, not everyone knows the words to the worship songs.


Remember. Time Doesn’t flow in a straight line.

See Psalm 22, also the “quick last point” in many sermons.

Remember, death isn’t the end of the story.

Remember, do the best you can.

Any other ideas out there?

In case you’ve missed hearing about it, the new series of Doctor Who starts this Saturday.


What can the Church learn from Doctor Who?

In case you haven’t picked it up. I am a massive Doctor Who fan, and the new series of Doctor Who is returning really very soon! But as this a Church blog, I’m going to ask the serious Church related question, what can the Church learn from Doctor Who?

Please bear in mind that these are lessons from Doctor Who. Any problem with the content of these lessons? Take it up with The Shadow Proclamation.

Warning. There maybe monsters ahead.

Break The Rules.

Cool things can happen…

Fear. Can be Ok.

People in Church complaining?

Use a Gargoyle to dispose of the ring leader!

Faith Helps…

…particularly when dealing with monsters.

Remember Friendship


With thanks to @Guin33

Look at the Light

And people can be changed.

Exterminate those you disagree with.

Change people… like cybermen?

…But change can be ok.

And it can be beautiful…

…very beautiful…. (Might be having a fan boy moment there)

Any other ideas out there?

(I dont often do this, but there is a Part 2 to this post, that can be found here)

7 Ways For A Church To Say Goodbye To Their Vicar…

A couple of weeks ago, The Sofa featured the story of a Church that made a nice cheery video to say goodbye to their vicar. That got us thinking, what other ways are there for a church to say goodbye to their vicar?

This list might be a little inspired by Youtube.

Shoot the vicar from a cannon?

Give them a photo of you, with this frame…


Teleport them away

Blow up the pulpit as they end their last sermon.

Go back, change time, so they never come to your church.

Chase them away, with giant spiders

If nothing else, send them away with a song and a dance.

Any other ideas?