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Christian Excuses For Being Late To A Meeting

I’ve commented before, that the Church does seem to get people working as teams very well. That could be the Church setup team, the Church flower team, the preaching team, the welcoming team, the Church team, the list goes on…

And obviously, every now and then, meetings are arranged, which as much as you try… you don’t seem to get to on time.

What good excuses are there for when you’re late to a Church Meeting*? Here is our list:

  1. There were too many heathens driving on the road.
  2. I became too distracted by praying for each individual present here today.
  3. There were too many saints on the road… and they were ALL keeping to the speed limit.
  4. I took Communion with my family before I left, so obviously I had to finish it off. Therefore I had to walk.
  5. I was on my way and started praying… maybe I shouldn’t have closed my eyes whilst driving…
  6. The angels didn’t fly me here quick enough.
  7. I felt led to drive here via a less sensible route.
  8. I couldn’t have got here any faster without running… and you know… Proverbs 28.
  9. I felt led to pray for this meeting before I came. I felt a lot of prayer was needed…
  10. I am not late. I am here exactly when the Holy Spirit meant for me to be here.

Any more you would try?

*All excuses also apply for times when you’re late to Housegroup.

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Not A 100 Ways To Celebrate a Christian Birthday.

Fancy Some Cake?

A while back, Sofa had the rare chance to find himself at a 100th birthday celebration. As is how my mind works, I wondered. What if there was a Christian way for celebrating each one of those 100 birthdays?

I couldn’t find 100 ways so I’d like to present the, Not A 100 Ways To Celebrate a Christian Birthday…. (Affiliate links are below)

  1. Give the birthday boy / girl a new Bible.
  2. Give socks with holes in.
  3. Bless them with cake.
  4. Supply some Communion Wine for the birthday meal.
  5. Take them on a tour around interesting local churches.
  6. Bless them by sharing the cake.
  7. Bless them with a Holy Spirit.
  8. Give them a Holy Kiss.
  9. Church Crawl at Communion time.
  10. Throw them in some water. Call it a baptism.
  11. Create a lego model of them dressed up as a minister.
  12. Get them this light hearted read: https://amzn.to/2BOIM4H
  13. Buy a copy of the Christian classic, “Left Behind”.
  14. Write them a silly list of things you love about them.
  15. Write to a politician and request something on your friends behalf.
  16. Encourage them to be more like Jesus. Buy them this. 
  17. Pray for them.
  18. Sponsor a goat in Wales.
  19. Buy them a Bible.
  20. Photoshop pictures of them in random churches around the world.
  21. Pray with them.
  22. Write a silly list of silly things. Put the silly list in a card, or framed, or something.
  23. Don’t pray with them.
  24. Go on a pilgrimage with them. (To the pub)
  25. Spend some time working out which praying option your friend would be more comfortable with.
  26. Give the birthday boy / girl a new Bible.
  27. Wonder if they would spot any duplicates in the skilly list you’re giving them.
  28. Cook them breakfast on a Sunday morning.
  29. Dance them a Birthday dance
  30. Say “Happy Birthday”
  31. Rewrite a blog post for them about a 100th Birthday celebration, but make it about a 32nd instead.
  32. Sing this song.

Any more you can add? Can you help me reach 100??

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10 Things Not To Do During A Communion Service

Have you ever wondered what people who aren’t used to Church services, think about Church services? Have you ever wondered if its clear what you should be doing in a church communion service? Have you ever wondered what you probably should not do during communion?*

Here’s our list…

  1. Sneeze in to the hair of the person in front of you.
  2. Loudly discuss if the common cold is contagious.
  3. Loudly discuss the vintage of the wine, just after you’ve had a sip.
  4. Start a debate about the various names for the communion service.
  5. Give everyone a special Holy Kiss during the peace.
  6. Jesus took communion as part of a meal. Time for a food fight?
  7. Ask your neighbour if they’ve had their flu shots recently.
  8. If you happen to take two bits of bread… anything you can make a sandwich with?
  9. Loudly question the choice of wine, and ask for cider instead. The colder the better
  10. You know the napkin that is passed around with The Communion Cup? Use that to blow your nose.

Any other suggestions?

*The Church Sofa doesn’t accept any responsibilities for any action that results from the above. If you get involved in a food fight, please don’t blame us!

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10 Unfortunate Things to Think During Communion

You’re at Church, and its a Communion service.

You’ve survived that loud “peace” stage of the service, and you’ve got to the point where the bread is starting to be broken up and distributed amongst the people there. Its normally a serious moment, but has your mind ever wondered during a communion service at all?

If it does. Dont think of these things.

  1. If communion is shared around a circle, dont wonder if anyone sharing the cup has the plague.
  2. If individual cups are used, don’t wonder which cup you would put the poison in.
  3. Dont think about poisoning people, animals, or goats.
  4. Why is only the vicar allowed to do communion? I thought we were all equal before God?
  5. No the bread isn’t stale enough to warrant a food fight.
  6. (If in a church that uses non alcoholic wine). Dont wonder if the Ribena should suddenly become alcoholic.
  7. When the vicar is away, its probably best not to wonder why The Powers That Be insist that a visiting vicar needs to come in and do communion.
  8. Dont wonder if it will be funny if you sneeze as you have the communion cup in your mouth – mid gulp – you’ll probably end up doing it, and you might just end up choking. And thats not fun for anybody. Remember its a communion service, there isn’t time for a funeral. So dont choke on the communion wine.
  9. In many Churches, Communion is a serious moment. Its quiet. People might have their heads down. People may be praying. Do not think about how funny it will be if you laugh. Dont think about laughing. Because you’ll swallow that urge to laugh, but then. You’ll think about how funny it might have been if you did laugh, and now the urge to laugh is stronger then before… etc… etc…
  10. Work out a way to ensure the vicar has loads of wine to consume at the end. Watch to see if they really drink all of it. Maybe offer them a lift home if they do?

Any more?

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Ten Ways to Misbehave at Church

Have you ever gone to Church and thought about how well behaved people seem to be? Have you ever got slightly bored and wondered what you could do about it? Well you might find some inspiration here in our list of Ten Ways to Misbehave at Church*:

  1. Go to one of those Churches that meet in a School hall? Position one chair facing backwards.
  2. Got a visiting preacher? Replace his water with gin. **
  3. Swap the communion wine with Port.**
  4. Just like if you were catching a train, lock all church doors 60 seconds before it begins.
  5. Phone people in the congregation. See who has their phone on sound.
  6. Cook breakfast (Hot Cross Buns, Fish, Pancakes, anything Church related). Immediately underneath the smoke detectors. Dont turn off the fire alarms.
  7. Play catch with Christingles.
  8.  During the peace, greet everybody with a Holy Kiss.
  9. Give tambourines to all small children during an all age service.
  10. Visiting a different church? Shout hallelujah for every second sentence. Shout AMEN for every third!

Any more you’d suggest?

*Obviously any of this may really annoy people. Be careful of your audience. Play nice. We accept no responsibility if you end up in Church Jail!

** Might want to ‘borrow’ peoples car keys.

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How Christians Should Host A Meal.

Imagine the scenario. You’ve gone along to Church, sat through a sermon, and found the sermon was about the simple act of having a meal. The catch is, that you’re being encouraged to invite people around for a meal with you, as a way of “doing church”.

This may leave you walking out the Church with questions rolling around your head. Mainly, how should Christians host a meal?

Here’s a few pointers:

  1. Watch your guests as they’re about to eat some bread.As it goes into their mouth, lean over to them, look into their eyes, and ask “Do you know that Jesus is the bread of life?”
  2. Treat the person on your right hand side far better then anyone else on the table.
  3. At the start of the meal. Hold hands. Sing grace. Loudly. For at least ten minutes. Whilst looking around, deeply into each others eyes.
  4. To be really Christian, sing it in Latin.
  5. Serve cross shaped pasta.
  6. Don’t sit in a chair. Sit on a spike. Remember, we dont want to be to comfortable at any point.
  7. Ensure you serve Turnip.
  8. Everytime red wine is poured, say “this is my blood”. Even if it’s not you doing the pouring.
  9. Does someone need to help open a difficult jar or bottle? If you succed in helping then you earn the right to be called Samson for the rest of the meal.
  10. If anyone asks for seconds, point and scream at them “Gluttony!!!”

The Church Sofa accepts no responsibility for any physical, mental, or emotional damage caused by any of the above.