Church Sofa A – Z Guide To Church. Burning The Heathens

Everyone now and then, Churches get upset about things. Sometimes this is about things like homelessness, and food poverty, other times it could be things like worship song choices, Mark Driscoll, or women not allowed to preach. The list that causes it is long, but every now and then, people both on and off Twitter, go into what we call “Burning The Heathens” mode.

If you are involved in a Heathen Burning, we recommend to remember the following check list:

  1. Pitchfork (Sharpened)
  2. Axes
  3. Burning torches
  4. Bible Teaching from someone you agree with.
  5. Lack of patience.
  6. Lack of willingness to discuss.
  7. Don’t ask why
  8. Find fuel for the fire.
  9. Don’t check if this happening elsewhere.
  10. Acceptance.

The Church Sofa website does not support the idea of actually burning people. Thats not nice, and you would deserve the full force of the law on you if you were to do sometime like that – you nasty person!

This post may have been ripped off a previous post, but I think it kinda works here as well.

Church Sofa A – Z Guide To Church. Bibles, Biscuits and Bishops

Our alphabetical guide to church life continues with…


aka “The Good Book”. Its generally thought that reading the Bible is a good thing. Reading things that help you read the bible is also considered a good thing. Lots of people try and read the Bible in a year. Last September we tried reading the Bible in a year. One of us got stuck around last November. The other is trapped around July.

Many people seem to agree that the Bible is a good thing to read. Actually reading it seems to be something else.

The thing is. With all the talk in churches of how good it is to read your Bible. What if people struggle to read?


Served with tea at the end of a church service. Or possibly during a housegroup.

Remember. Good Christians don’t take the last biscuit.


Aka. The Boss. It was confirmed by the synod last year that while The Church of England is perfectly OK with women being a Church Minister / Vicar / Pastor… the idea of a woman being in charge was not really acceptable in these modern times.

The Boss sometimes visits churches to perform special things… like blessing a new church roof… or something. You can tell if he’s around due to the Church Warden using the following checklist.

1.Is the pastoral team wearing the correct liturgical uniform?
2.Do we have the correct amount of communion wine in stock?
3.Have “those” children been locked away in the crèche?
4.Has crèche been relocated into the basement?
5.Has the building been dusted? (In and out – yes including the tower)
6.New red carpet rolled out?
7.Crowd been taught correct responses?
8.Crowd now informed they are the “congregation”?
9.Do the “Sunday Morning Welcomer’s” look smart enough?
10.Does the communion wine have another alcohol in to ensure its elevated above the level of Ribena?

Any I’ve missed?

Church Sofa A – Z Guide To Church. B

church Sofa

We return to the A – Z guide to Church series with some “B” related words:


Could Bacon be one of the greatest food stuffs on this planet? If it wasn’t for Bacon and its gift to breakfasts, Mens Breakfasts would just be a bunch of guys eating sausages and wishing for Bacon.

Baptised / Baptism.

Something about being dead.

But being alive.

But dying.

But also life.


One of the bad guys involved in the original Easter. Well thats the impression I got from Sunday School anyway.


When words fail. Stealing other peoples quotes can help:

Beer is proof - quote

Coming up… We look at Burning Heathens, and Visits from the Bishop.

Church Sofa A – Z Guide To Church – Asking Apostles About Apples.

Carrying on the A – Z guide to Church series with some more “A” related words:


According to that trustworthy website Wikipedia:

The word “apostle” comes from the Greekword apóstólos. By breaking it down into its constituents it gives us a literal translation of “from the fleet”. By deriving apó meaning from and stólos meaning fleet. The more general meaning of the word as one who is sent on a mission is translated into Latin as missio, and from this word we get missionary.

So. Why aren’t Christians just known as apostles?


A large multinational corporation, that sells devices and gadgets that are both very pricey and very usable. Possibly struggling a little since the death of Steve Jobs, but an iPhone launch is still a massive massive deal. With the huge number of apps available its only a matter of time until you can press play, put the phone down at the front of the church, and the iPhone will lead and preach during the service. All done with the voice of the phones own “personal assistant”, Siri.

While people are generally accused of worshiping the iPhone, it can also be used in worship. As can be seen:

Interestingly, according to Sunday school, Eve having an apple was a bad bad thing. We can only conclude that Sunday School teachers either own Blackberry phones, or (if indeed it was an Apple – to – eat) they dont educate people to make healthy eating choices.


When in Church, ask questions about things you want to know more about. Someone else might be wondering the same thing and be to shy to ask.

Church Sofa A – Z Guide To Church – Apocrypha

Carrying on the A – Z guide to Church series with “Apocrypha”

Apocrypha: One of those long complicated words that you don’t often hear often. Possibly because its a long complicated word. It’s also a type of Biblical book, of which Revelations seems to be the only polite example. People also like to avoid talking about Revelations, not because its complicated, but because it reads more like Sci-Fi book then anything else.

And let’s face it. Who wants to talk about SciFi in Church? Before you know it, people might be coming to Sunday services dressed in their best Doctor Who or Star Trek costume. And then where will we be?

(There are other examples of the Apocrypha in some random versions of the Bible, but you’ll need to speak to someone more clever then myself if you’re interested in them. Or you could just look it up on Wikipedia)

Church Sofa A – Z Guide To Church – Agape

Picking up the collection of “A” words…

Agape: A fancy word for a type of Love, which you may have only heard about if you’ve sat through one of those talks on Love. Whilst checking my spelling for this, I was also reminded that Agape is also the name of a charity that is, “dedicated to addressing the spiritual needs of the UK by helping people to see, hear, understand and be forever changed by the person and claims of Jesus.

Check out for further information of the agape organisation.

Alpha: A happiness course ran by Churches around the world, with the aim of increasing the size of peoples smiles.

Amen: Normally a signal of agreement to a request just uttered. Can also be heard shouted out across a congregation during a particularly exciting sermon.

Angel: I cant help but think that the whole subject of Angels is a bit of a weird one for the church. I guess PR wise, I cant help but wonder if we’re not really sure how to sell Angels. Are angels really just a heavenly choir, that worship leaders tweet about? Are they cute girlies in the Christmas play? Are they guys with a gentle Irish accent? What if Angels went to an Alpha course? Are they big beasties of light with multiple faces, and massive wings?

Some people would say, that they just turn up randomly to help out in times of need, just to disappear later.

Or are angels real people, like the marathon runners that finished the race in Boston, just to run to give blood at the hospital?

The firemen that were caught up with the explosion in Texes

I cant help but think that my angel was the Scottish registrar who took the time to reassure me that our daughter was doing well, two hours after she was transferred to Neonatal.

Whatever they are, I hope they do more then sing.



Do All The Best Things Begin With B?

It started with a conversation (like these things do), on the way back from Church one day. The conversation was about breakfast, bacon, and we moved onto talk about biscuits, and (as you do) beer. Comments were passed, and we wondered if the best things really do begin with B?

Life moved on, and a while later I found myself caught up in a conversation about new people at Church, and I was wondered about The Church Sofa Guide To Church… and how thats not been updated for a while… decided to do an A – Z guide of Church and also… for some reason I remembered the above conversation, and for some reason wondered.

Do all the best things in Church begin with B?

Seizing inspiration, I’ve started drawing up an A – Z to Church but I’m having an issue with inspiration with the end of the alphabet.

Is there anything Church related (that begins) around the end of the alphabet that you would like to see us try and explain / be sarcastic about / ponder about / discuss / acknowledge but ignore / seriously discuss about?