Category: Movies

Its hard to miss, but there is a Noah movie that has just come out in cinemas.

Am I going to rush to see it? No. Is it because of the massive cost of going to the cinema these days? No. Is it because we’ll have to ask the grandparents to babysit again? No. I just can’t help but think its a little like the movie Titanic. You see, where people sat down and watched Titanic for hours, just to see if it’ll hit an iceberg or not, I also already know whats going to happen in the Noah Movie. (Spoiler Alert – The Titanic ship does hit the iceberg)

By simply opening up my Bible, I can tell you what is in the Noah movie. Genesis chapter 5 talks about Noah being 500 years old, so I’m thinking some heavy “old man” make up. This old man is living in a violent world with Nephilim and “sons of God” roaming around the place, when one day God (who has the only speaking role in the movie) shows up and says:

“I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth. 14 So make yourself an ark of cypress[c] wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. 15 This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high.[d] 16 Make a roof for it, leaving below the roof an opening one cubit[e] high all around.[f] Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks. 17 I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. 18 But I will establish my covenant with you,and you will enter the ark—you and your sons and your wife and your sons’ wives with you. 19 You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. 20 Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. 21 You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them.”

As the Bible then says: “Noah did everything just as God commanded him.“. I would imagine the scene following the one sided conversation with God being a montage of clips showing Noah doing the above.

At this point I worry that the movie is going to be a bit repetitive, as God reappears for another one sided chat / montage scene, but thankfully it doesn’t get that bad, as this is when animal pairs come along, the rains start, and Noah and his family silently enter the arc. Its worth bearing in mind that no one has noticed a giant ark being built, therefore no one outside of Noahs family is seen in the movie.

Nothing particular happens on the ark, and the movie motors through the 40 days and nights pretty quickly, until we get to this funny little scene where Noah starts releasing birds from the ark. Soon after this, the water disappears, the ark is opened and God invites them into the new world.

Therefore I can conclude that the Noah movie will be about ten minutes long, have an all male cast, we’ll know its a violent world (yet see no violence), and the movie will have only one speaking part.

I guess I don’t even need to see it on Netflix when it comes out.

The above mildly sarcastic guess work is based on Genesis Chapter 5, 6, and 7.