Category: Church Sofa Lists

Church Life

Summer Holiday Activities For Christian Kids

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(Or to give this post it’s full title, “Summer Holiday Activities For Christian Parents to entertain Christian Kids” *)

Well, we’re deep into the Summer Holidays now! Its time for the initial excitement to die down, and the feeling of a “never ending” holiday to set in. Are you a Christian parent running out of ideas for things to do? Here’s our list of Summer holiday activities for Christian kids…

  1. Look up all the details of all the Church Holiday Club, go to all of them.
  2. Enlist help from the kid in building a wooden chapel in your garden.
  3. Barbecue. But pray for Heavenly Fire to rain down and light it.
  4. Build some Jesus Lego. 
  5. Paint the above chapel.
  6. Pray for patience. Then go to a soft play. 
  7. Practice acting skills by acting Bible Stories. Acting out “Danial and The Lions Den” while visiting the Zoo is a possible choice.
  8. Take a family pilgrimage to the nearest Christian Festival. Or pub. Whichever is nearest. 
  9. If in England, build a full sized Noahs Ark in the garden. Actually any sized boat could be helpful during the August storms.
  10. Act out Bible scenes**…

*The obvious alternative title being “Good Luck”

** Probably also best you don’t act out Abraham and Isaac…

Packing for a Christian Festival - The Emergency Kit
Church Life

The Christian Festival Emergency Kit of Stuff.

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Every now and then, the Sofa writes something that gets out of date. A few days ago, Sofa published a (possibly*) useful list of things to pack for a Christian Festival. Since then the weather has turned a little more apocalyptic…

So. In honour of the current apocalypse raging in the clouds above, here is the the Church Sofa Christian Festival Emergency Kit of Stuff. (Affiliate links be below)

Obviously if you’re struggling to enjoy being somewhere due to the weather at the moment… hopefully this will get some sort of smile…

Not Noahs Ark.

You dont need Noahs Ark! This is the boat you need! It will fit in your car, and you can use it to get to the showers! Grab it now from Amazon!

Wellies!

The perfect kit to cook breakfast in! (But please also wear other items if outside your tent).

Find these pink sparkly numbers here.

Bring A Waterproof Bible

Is it gonna be wet?

Like to read your Bible outside? Or… in a puddle?

Try A Waterproof Bible?

For when the Sun comes out…

Keep covered from the sun with Jesus… on the cross.

Probably best saved for Easter?

Amazon Link.

Something for the Dark?

Make sure you bring a torch!

Anything else that should be included?

*Or possibly not.

Packing for a Christian Festival?
Church Sofa Lists

What To Pack For A Christian Festival?

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Welcome to Christian festival season. The time of year when Church buildings become empty, and fields become full of Christian Festivals taking place. With Christian festivals such as Edgefest, New Wine, Keswick, Greenbelt. and Creation Fest, there are plenty to choose from.

But what should you pack to a Christian Festival? What should you try and force into your suitcase? (If anything at all?) Here is the Church Sofa kit list of things to pack for a Christian Festival. (With affiliate links below)

  1. Portable Battery Charger. You know… so you can keep your smart phone charged. Important as how else are you going to read the Bible? (Also helpful for sending tweets to @TheChurchSofa)
  2. Bacon. Bacon is awesome. Be awesome.
  3. Guitar. For leading early morning worship sessions.
  4. Wine. Recently brought. Because what else would you drink?
  5. A Survival skills handbook. Because you never when you may need to show your best “Bear Grylls Skills”.
  6. Fire lighters, in case calling down fire from heaven, doesn’t light your little barbecue.
  7. In case it gets to wet to take out your phone, pack a Waterproof Bible.
  8. A paper map of the festival. Useful for noting down things like secret tunnels,  quiet showers, and people generous with wine.
  9. Water pistols. In case baptisms are needed.
  10. Earplugs. In case your neighbors have also brought a guitar.

What have I missed from the above?

*Perform any of the implied actions above at your risk. Church Sofa doesn’t take any responsibility for most things, not even you ending up in Christian Festival Jail.

10 Ways To Manage Mischief At A Christian Festival
Church Sofa Lists

Christian Songs For When You’re Caught

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I like music. Its something thats been commented again and again, that I dont seem to like quiet. Back in the day when I was still living at home, my mum used to come in and open the windows. Me? I used to come in and put the radio / CD on.

I’ve got various playlists that I can play depending on whats happening / the time of day / if the vicar is over.

So, when a conversation on Twitter went onto discuss “Ten worst CCM songs to be playing when busted”, I couldn’t help but wonder… What Songs could be played when you’re caught doing something wrong?

When you’ve broken that expensive vase.

Plumb – Beautifully Broken

Watering your garden during a hose pipe ban…

Crowder – Let It Rain (Is There Anybody) (Lyric Video) ft. Mandisa

When you’re going a little fast through a speed trap…

Carrie Underwood – Jesus, Take The Wheel

When you miscount the collection…

JJ Weeks Band – Count Them All

When you save over the wrong file at work.

Jeremy Camp – Jesus Saves 

Is there any you would add?

(With thanks to @DavePiperDJ and @simononradio)

Could the next Evangelical Alliance be an Avenger?
Church Sofa Lists

Could the next Evangelical Alliance Chief Executive be an Avenger?

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Have you heard of the Evangelical Alliance? They are a… alliance of evangelical type people… (Read their about us page if you’re really interested) Basically, the UK branch are looking for a new Chief Executive.

Which brings me nicely onto this tweet…

I cant talk Game of Thrones, but Avengers I can…

So which member of The Avengers, would make a good Evangelical Alliance Chief Executive ? I couldn’t resist giving it a think…

(Yes there are spoilers for Avengers Endgame coming up – I’m NOT messing with you!) Please scroll down past Spoiler Darth to read more…

STOP SCROLLING! THERE BE SPOILERS BELOW!
Last warning of spoilers…

So we’re looking for an Avenger that can…

(Provide) inspirational leadership and helping developing our vision, mission, purpose and strategy, this person will lead the UK’s oldest and largest evangelical unity movement forward.

Read the rest of Job Description on the EA site.

Which Avenger could be the next EA Chief Executive?

Ronin / Clint / Hawkeye

Image result for ronin hawkeye gif

Hear me out here! The guy is a passionate family man, with a do what needs to be done attitude to protect his friends. True, people may have problems with some of his measures, but he will ensure churches / various EA people don’t stray to far away from the EA party line.

Black Widow

Image result for black widow gif
She basically led The Avengers during “The 5 years”
There could be a gentle issue with her being dead though.

Vision

Image result for Vision gif
You want Vision?
This guy is Vision.
But also dead. (At least for now)

Iron Man

Image result for iron man gif
I…. I cant….

Wanda Maximoff

Image result for scarlet witch endgame gif
Because why not?
Would you want to mess with her?
She’s still alive.
She flipping kicks ass.
There is a risk that her Superhero name of Scarlet Witch may prove problematic.

Thor

Image result for thor gif
The sort of Avenger that could be good at it, but would prefer to be off having adventures in space instead? Simply put. He would be awesome, would tick the boxes, but would hand it over as soon as the first ship comes along.
People may get a little upset about the whole “god” thing though.

The Hulk

Image result for professor hulk gif
No not when he’s all “Hulk Smash”, but when he’s Endgame “Professor Hulk”.
The dudes clever, good with kids, and while he hasn’t shown massive leader experience, he’s big and green. I’d listen to him.

Who would you choose?

(With thanks to @DavidSJAustin)

10 MORE ways to create trouble in church… but being biblical about it!
Church Sofa Lists

10 MORE ways to create trouble in church… but still being biblical about it!

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Sometimes, my mind wonders. Once I wondered about “Wouldn’t it be funny if a particular situation happened”. The thing is, there would have to be a biblical basis for the trouble was created?

That led to the post 10 ways to create trouble in church… but being biblical about it! – After some ideas from @DavidSJAustin on Twitter, I wondered if there more ideas for the Biblically minded trouble maker…

If you are still in a trouble making mood, and looking for more ideas – then check out our following list:

  1. Call down fire from Heaven.*
  2. Busy Church service? Make a hole in your Church roof to ensure people can get a good view of the speaker.**
  3. Answer the criticism of Biblically inaccurate Hollywood movies, by putting on a Biblically accurate live drama of, The Song of Songs.
  4. Bring your sleeping bag to Church. (Dropped down through the ceiling).
  5. Have a fig tree in or near the Church grounds? Take a cutting, plant it properly, and bring it to Church. If anyone asks, explain you are trying to redeem it as you’re worried its cursed.
  6. Bring your donkey to Church.***
  7. Share honey with people at Church. If they ask where it came from, tell them you found it in a lion carcass.
  8. Bring your dead granny to Church and ask the vicar to raise her up.
  9. Church leader preaching on Noah? Get the taps running. ****
  10. Cover yourself in cornflakes and ring a bell, shouting “unclean, unclean”.

*You may get some odd looks if you do this.
** Heavy tools may be needed.
*** Could get messy.
**** Remember, Life jackets could be useful if the doors are shut.*****
***** Are these stars getting silly now?

Obviously the sofa takes no responsibility for anything you do as a result of reading this. Ever.

Any one got other ideas?

Church Sofa Lists

Christian Excuses For Being Late To A Meeting

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I’ve commented before, that the Church does seem to get people working as teams very well. That could be the Church setup team, the Church flower team, the preaching team, the welcoming team, the Church team, the list goes on…

And obviously, every now and then, meetings are arranged, which as much as you try… you don’t seem to get to on time.

What good excuses are there for when you’re late to a Church Meeting*? Here is our list:

  1. There were too many heathens driving on the road.
  2. I became too distracted by praying for each individual present here today.
  3. There were too many saints on the road… and they were ALL keeping to the speed limit.
  4. I took Communion with my family before I left, so obviously I had to finish it off. Therefore I had to walk.
  5. I was on my way and started praying… maybe I shouldn’t have closed my eyes whilst driving…
  6. The angels didn’t fly me here quick enough.
  7. I felt led to drive here via a less sensible route.
  8. I couldn’t have got here any faster without running… and you know… Proverbs 28.
  9. I felt led to pray for this meeting before I came. I felt a lot of prayer was needed…
  10. I am not late. I am here exactly when the Holy Spirit meant for me to be here.

Any more you would try?

*All excuses also apply for times when you’re late to Housegroup.

How-To-Make-Your-Church-Leader-Love-You
Church Sofa Lists

10 Ways To Get The Church Leader To Love You

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Lets face it. There’s a reason why we get nervous about the vicar (or any Church leader) coming to visit us. It’s because the Church Leader is basically the closest to God we can basically get right?

Otherwise, how else would the Church Leader be a Church Leader right?

So following that logic, wouldn’t it be good if the Church leader loved us right?

Here are 10 ways to get the Church Leader to love you.

  1. Raise your hands in worship at least twice every Sunday.
  2. Make it clear that PCC Top Trumps is indeed your favourite game.
  3. During the sermon shout out helpful, slightly related Bible verses, my favourite is 2 Kings 2:23-24.
  4. Doodle complimentary things about God and the Church in the Church Bibles.
  5. As you leave ‘hum’ parts of the sermon to yourself, so he doesn’t feel jealous of the worship leader.
  6. During the sermon shout out AMEN! Every 2 minutes…
  7. Dress like your church leader. Bonus points if you’re not the same gender, or if your Church leader wears really big robes.
  8. Make your ‘fly needs checking’ motions halfway through the service.
  9. At least a week beforehand, ask what their main points in the sermon will be, so you can read up on it. This may also act as a prompt for them to start working on the sermon, which would be even better.
  10. Mark their sermons 10 out of 10 each week. Use big boards, and hold them up at the back of the Church towards the end of sermon. Encourage people around you to cheer and applause when you do.

Any other suggestions that you would add?