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Tips To Survive Church During A Pandemic

grayscale photography of hands waving

Well happy days, life is returning to normal. Pubs are serving at the bar, we can lick each others faces in nightclubs, and we can rock on back to Church*.

Even with things coming back to (some sort of) normal, there is still a pandemic happening. What do we suggest doing at Church, to help survive Church during a pandemic?

  1. Bribe the right people to get seats near the source of ventilation.
  2. Wear your flipping mask
  3. Have a badge on saying “I have Asthma, coughing is basically my way of life”**
  4. Bring digging equipment in case of hoards of huggers.
  5. Get a flipping vaccine.
  6. Bring your own coffee. (Use the right cup and it could include whiskey)
  7. Has the set up changed? Bring a pen and paper to help you make a map of where things are.
  8. Bring high-tech listening devices, so if needed you can listen into the service from outside.
  9. Have regular tests to help ensure you’re safe. (No we all know lateral flows aren’t always 100%, but they are better then licking your uncles face to see if he can tell)
  10. If the preacher encourages people to give each other a Holy Kiss. Run.

What would you add to help people survive Church during a pandemic?

*I’m very aware that this paragraph could date badly.

**only do this if you have asthma

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How Christians Can Deal With A Traffic Jam

photo of vehicles on road during evening

Unless you either avoid road transport, or only travel over night, there’s a chance you’ve found yourself in a traffic jam.

If you’ve gone anywhere during a bank holiday weekend in Devon or Cornwall, theres a chance you’re still in one.

So how should a Christian life relate to being stuck in a traffic jam?

Here are a few ideas*:

  1. Before you leave, proudly put up your “Bless off” bumper sticker. (With thanks to Midfaith crises for the idea)
  2. Put the windows down. Get that Christian music on LOUD.
  3. When the cars come to a stop, take a walk amongst the cars, putting your emergency stash of gospel tracts into peoples open windows. Trust in God that you’re not going to get ran over.
  4. Point at the person in the car next to you. Pray in tongues. Loudly. While pointing at them. With your eyes open. Wide.
  5. Grab your emergency wireless mic, tune in your car radio, turn it up, stand on the stage (your cars roof), and proudly share your testimony.
  6. Take out your acoustic guitar, sing praise music while walking up and down the the traffic jam.
  7. Send bluetooth messages to nearby phones, offering prayer and Christian counselling to all who request it.
  8. Take out your wine and sandwiches, start a communion amongst your car and the cars around you. Change the subject if anyone talks about drinking and driving.
  9. Shout that traffic jams violate your Christian rights (because Jesus wasn’t in one), and that you should be allowed to get through.

Any others?

*I also don’t recommend doing any of these. Mostly because you might die.

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Getting a Christian Bathroom

stylish bathroom with bathtub and bidet

We’ve been in the lucky position recently that we’ve recently had our bathroom renovated. Which means that we’ve had to ask ourselves a lot of bathroom related questions recently.

Here are some of the ideas that we’ve found to go into a Christian Bathroom*. (Affiliate links are below)

  1. A nice big Bath. You know… for people who don’t do baptisms properly.
  2. An ark. You know… to go in the bath.
  3. Have a speaker in there streaming gentle relaxing worship music.
  4. Toilet Paper. With inspirational Christian Tweets printed on them?
  5. Some red wine smelling soap. Because communion.
  6. A label next to the warm water tap, marked as “Holy Water”.
  7. Some bathroom mats.
  8. A glass pen. To write Bible verses on the mirror.
  9. A biblically inspirational shower curtain.
  10. A nice big sink… you know… for people who don’t do baptisms properly.

What would you add?

*Not all of these ideas were accepted into the final bathroom look.

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What to do in an outside Church Service.

In case you missed it. It seems that Churches can now sing outside again. In fact, The Church of England have released a load of information about outside worship is found here.

As singing outside in a crowd could appear different to some, we’ve compiled a list of ideas to remember when hosting an outside Church worship service.

  1. Make sure your dressed for the season. So therefore depending on the season, this could mean winter coat for when the sun is behind a cloud, and shorts / T-shirt for when the sun is out.
  2. A two meter stick. Because you know…
  3. Have multiple garden heaters, because it gets cold.
  4. Ensure the worship leader knows that this isn’t a dry run for early morning worship at the next Church approved Big Christian Conference.
  5. Make sure there is a big sign asking EVERYONE to bring an umbrella, because rain. Particularly important in Manchester.
  6. Don’t expect to go get a pie, pint, or pizza at half time. But MY WORD. That should be a thing in all churches. from now on.
  7. Wonder out loud if church should meet outside more often.
  8. Look after that one person who actually knows all the rules and regulations. Maybe offer them a strong coffee or something stronger to help steady their nerves.
  9. Pretend its Christmas. Bring Mulled Wine.
  10. Or in fact, if you’re meeting in a park, bring cheap cider. Because memories.

Anything we’ve missed out?

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How To Do Church This Week

woman having a video call

Its a weekend in Lockdown. For many of us weekends include Church on the Sunday. During a pandemic, the act of going to a church building is far more complicated then ever.

Therefore may I present the Church Sofa List of Ways To Do Church during 2021:

  1. Put it on YouTube.
  2. Put it on YouTube, join in with the comments.
  3. Arrange to watch an online service at the same time as other Christians. Perhaps chat on WhatsApp at the same time.
  4. All gather via on Zoom, chat, pray, read a bible verse, talk about that bible verse.
  5. Give the national C of E “Daily Hope” number a call – 0800 804 8044
  6. Ask if you local church has a number to dial into.
  7. Give someone a call / drop them a message to say hi.
  8. Watch it on Facebook Live, join in with comments, share the video onto your feed?
  9. Live near someone from Church? How about dropping a card / chocolate / cake around?

Any other ideas?

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What To Do In An Outside Carol Service

In case you missed it, it seems that English churches can allow outdoors singing in all tiers from December 2nd. According to the CofE website

Guidance published by the Government on Sunday confirmed that indoor singing by both amateur and professional choirs will be permitted, and that congregations could sing carols outdoors, providing they are physically distanced.

The maximum number of people present should take into account the area of the space and the requirement to maintain 2m social distancing at all times.

Church of England

So. What should we be prepared for at an outside Christmas carol service?

Here are nine things you need at an outside carol service. (List includes affiliate links)

  1. Layers. Lots of. Wear something like this.
  2. Really Big Bonfire (To enable social distancing)
  3. Bring Mulled Wine.
  4. Have lots of really small bonfires. (To help enable social distancing)
  5. Wonder out loud if church should meet outside more often.
  6. Avoid being burned on the bonfire for wondering the above out loud.
  7. Ensure a good view of the vicar by bringing this guy along.
  8. A measuring stick to ensure social distancing.
  9. No – bring more mulled wine then that.

Anything I’ve missed.