I like music. Its something thats been commented again and again, that I dont seem to like quiet. Back in the day when I was still living at home, my mum used to come in and open the windows. Me? I used to come in and put the radio / CD on.
I’ve got various playlists that I can play depending on whats happening / the time of day / if the vicar is over.
So, when a conversation on Twitter went onto discuss “Ten worst CCM songs to be playing when busted”, I couldn’t help but wonder… What Songs could be played when you’re caught doing something wrong?
When you’ve broken that expensive vase.
Watering your garden during a hose pipe ban…
When you’re going a little fast through a speed trap…
Sometimes, my mind wonders. Once I wondered about “Wouldn’t it be funny if a particular situation happened”. The thing is, there would have to be a biblical basis for the trouble was created?
That led to the post 10 ways to create trouble in church… but being biblical about it! – After some ideas from @DavidSJAustin on Twitter, I wondered if there more ideas for the Biblically minded trouble maker…
If you are still in a trouble making mood, and looking for more ideas – then check out our following list:
Call down fire from Heaven.*
Busy Church service? Make a hole in your Church roof to ensure people can get a good view of the speaker.**
Answer the criticism of Biblically inaccurate Hollywood movies, by putting on a Biblically accurate live drama of, The Song of Songs.
Bring your sleeping bag to Church. (Dropped down through the ceiling).
Have a fig tree in or near the Church grounds? Take a cutting, plant it properly, and bring it to Church. If anyone asks, explain you are trying to redeem it as you’re worried its cursed.
Bring your donkey to Church.***
Share honey with people at Church. If they ask where it came from, tell them you found it in a lion carcass.
Bring your dead granny to Church and ask the vicar to raise her up.
Church leader preaching on Noah? Get the taps running. ****
Cover yourself in cornflakes and ring a bell, shouting “unclean, unclean”.
*You may get some odd looks if you do this. ** Heavy tools may be needed.
*** Could get messy.
**** Remember, Life jackets could be useful if the doors are shut.*****
***** Are these stars getting silly now?
Obviously the sofa takes no responsibility for anything you do as a result of reading this. Ever.
I’ve commented before, that the Church does seem to get people working as teams very well. That could be the Church setup team, the Church flower team, the preaching team, the welcoming team, the Church team, the list goes on…
And obviously, every now and then, meetings are arranged, which as much as you try… you don’t seem to get to on time.
What good excuses are there for when you’re late to a Church Meeting*? Here is our list:
There were too many heathens driving on the road.
I became too distracted by praying for each individual present here today.
There were too many saints on the road… and they were ALL keeping to the speed limit.
I took Communion with my family before I left, so obviously I had to finish it off. Therefore I had to walk.
I was on my way and started praying… maybe I shouldn’t have closed my eyes whilst driving…
The angels didn’t fly me here quick enough.
I felt led to drive here via a less sensible route.
I couldn’t have got here any faster without running… and you know… Proverbs 28.
I felt led to pray for this meeting before I came. I felt a lot of prayer was needed…
I am not late. I am here exactly when the Holy Spirit meant for me to be here.
Any more you would try?
*All excuses also apply for times when you’re late to Housegroup.
Lets face it. There’s a reason why we get nervous about the vicar (or any Church leader) coming to visit us. It’s because the Church Leader is basically the closest to God we can basically get right?
Otherwise, how else would the Church Leader be a Church Leader right?
So following that logic, wouldn’t it be good if the Church leader loved us right?
Here are 10 ways to get the Church Leader to love you.
Raise your hands in worship at least twice every Sunday.
Make it clear that PCC Top Trumps is indeed your favourite game.
During the sermon shout out helpful, slightly related Bible verses, my favourite is 2 Kings 2:23-24.
Doodle complimentary things about God and the Church in the Church Bibles.
As you leave ‘hum’ parts of the sermon to yourself, so he doesn’t feel jealous of the worship leader.
During the sermon shout out AMEN! Every 2 minutes…
Dress like your church leader. Bonus points if you’re not the same gender, or if your Church leader wears really big robes.
Make your ‘fly needs checking’ motions halfway through the service.
At least a week beforehand, ask what their main points in the sermon will be, so you can read up on it. This may also act as a prompt for them to start working on the sermon, which would be even better.
Mark their sermons 10 out of 10 each week. Use big boards, and hold them up at the back of the Church towards the end of sermon. Encourage people around you to cheer and applause when you do.