Christian Excuses For Being Late To A Meeting

I’ve commented before, that the Church does seem to get people working as teams very well. That could be the Church setup team, the Church flower team, the preaching team, the welcoming team, the Church team, the list goes on…

And obviously, every now and then, meetings are arranged, which as much as you try… you don’t seem to get to on time.

What good excuses are there for when you’re late to a Church Meeting*? Here is our list:

  1. There were too many heathens driving on the road.
  2. I became too distracted by praying for each individual present here today.
  3. There were too many saints on the road… and they were ALL keeping to the speed limit.
  4. I took Communion with my family before I left, so obviously I had to finish it off. Therefore I had to walk.
  5. I was on my way and started praying… maybe I shouldn’t have closed my eyes whilst driving…
  6. The angels didn’t fly me here quick enough.
  7. I felt led to drive here via a less sensible route.
  8. I couldn’t have got here any faster without running… and you know… Proverbs 28.
  9. I felt led to pray for this meeting before I came. I felt a lot of prayer was needed…
  10. I am not late. I am here exactly when the Holy Spirit meant for me to be here.

Any more you would try?

*All excuses also apply for times when you’re late to Housegroup.

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10 Ways To Get The Church Leader To Love You

How-To-Make-Your-Church-Leader-Love-You

Lets face it. There’s a reason why we get nervous about the vicar (or any Church leader) coming to visit us. It’s because the Church Leader is basically the closest to God we can basically get right?

Otherwise, how else would the Church Leader be a Church Leader right?

So following that logic, wouldn’t it be good if the Church leader loved us right?

Here are 10 ways to get the Church Leader to love you.

  1. Raise your hands in worship at least twice every Sunday.
  2. Make it clear that PCC Top Trumps is indeed your favourite game.
  3. During the sermon shout out helpful, slightly related Bible verses, my favourite is 2 Kings 2:23-24.
  4. Doodle complimentary things about God and the Church in the Church Bibles.
  5. As you leave ‘hum’ parts of the sermon to yourself, so he doesn’t feel jealous of the worship leader.
  6. During the sermon shout out AMEN! Every 2 minutes…
  7. Dress like your church leader. Bonus points if you’re not the same gender, or if your Church leader wears really big robes.
  8. Make your ‘fly needs checking’ motions halfway through the service.
  9. At least a week beforehand, ask what their main points in the sermon will be, so you can read up on it. This may also act as a prompt for them to start working on the sermon, which would be even better.
  10. Mark their sermons 10 out of 10 each week. Use big boards, and hold them up at the back of the Church towards the end of sermon. Encourage people around you to cheer and applause when you do.

Any other suggestions that you would add?

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When you have a new welcomer…

Possible other tricks for Church welcomers could include…

(Affiliate links are below)

  • Electric hand buzzers
  • See how many leaflets, song sheets, notices, and Bibles. (Yes. Plural). Everyone can be given as they arrive. Take bets on who would drop them all first.
  • A Flower Water Squirter… attached to your shirt.
  • Ask someone who has never been to your church before to join the welcoming team that one Sunday. Watch the confusion on the faces on the regulars as they realise they have no idea who this person is.*
  • Spinning Bow Ties
  • Offer everyone a coffee… while its actually an espresso.
  • Try and hide your head in your top… balance this where your head should be.

Any you can suggest?

*Actually I have happy memories of accidentally being involved in something like this.

Married. Dad.

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Places for a Christian Nap.

Other good times and places for a nap include…

  • The Sofa.
  • A Bean bag
  • A bed.
  • After you’ve eaten a Haggis.
  • When you’re tempted to go for a run.
  • Under the office desk when everyone else has gone home.
  • The back pew – once the sermon has gone over 25 minutes.

Any other places?

(With thanks to Memes for jesus for the above Bible study in sleep.)

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The Christmas Parenting Woes of Mary.

All parents have some parenting woes of some shape or form. For most it’s a case of NEVER SLEEPING, for Mary I guess it was a slightly different set of woes she had to put up with when Jesus was born.

  • Many, many, unexpected guests.
  • Joseph nipping out with the shepherds to wet the baby’s head.
  • The place (presumingly) looking like a mess.
  • Drafty barn type accommodation.
  • Dealing with a Talking Donkey.
  • Possibly still fielding questions about the timing of the birth / marriage.
  • Just as she’s just getting used to parenting, a bunch of “wise men” appear.
  • That kid still flipping drumming.
  • Wanting nappies as a gift… and getting myrrh.
  • Wondering if the smell was baby or animal.

I guess I’m thankful we didn’t have to put up with a little drummer boy when Little Sofa was born.

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Making Church More Exciting

Making Church Exciting

Earlier today, Sofa found himself caught in a conversation about how exciting Church… doesn’t always come across as. So this evening after work, a couple of us took a quick survey of the people we could randomly find, and asked them “How would you make church more exciting?”. These are the top ten answers we got:

  1. In door fireworks… At any given moment
  2. Britain’s got talent style buzzers used during the sermon. Give one to every member of the congregation. 
  3. If the preacher goes over the allocated time slot… Paint ball guns…
  4. Mute button on the worship leader for when he / she goes off on one.
  5. The Bible reading as a dramatic 4d experience. 
  6. A gunge tank… Because they’re not used enough these days…
  7. Certain pews are connected to a surprise underground rollercoaster. Perfect seats for visitors / Bishops just popping to say hi. 
  8. The team in charge of song lyrics on screens / handouts subtly change a few lyrics here and there. Watch and see what happens. 
  9. After the service ends – organise fort building challenges using the pews / chairs / leadership team – to help build community.
  10. Employ a clown to welcome people in.

What would you add?

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Keeping Christian Families Entertained During The Holidays

Welcome to the school holidays! If you don’t have kids, this probably means an easier journey to work, if you do this probably means you, or someone else needs to come up with ways to stop the little darlings from watching nothing but Cbeebies all day long. 

But what can be done to entertain young Christian families throughout the holidays? Well Sofa is here to help*.

Here is our list of ways to keep Christian families entertained during the school holidays…

  1. Compile a list of all the local holiday clubs. GET TO ALL OF THEM.
  2. Learn a Bible verse a day.
  3. Colour in pencil drawings of crosses.
  4. Picnics! AKA portable communions…
  5. Go on a family pilgrimage. (Possibly to the local cheap family friendly pub)
  6. Take all your toilet rolls and try recreating the Tower of Babel.
  7. Encourage the smalls ones to make a joyful noise! Joyful… may mean screaming…
  8. Build a castle out of left over Bible study notes.
  9. Is it raining outside? Time to encourage baptisms in the puddles.
  10. When all else fails… 80s Christians movies on Youtube? (On second thoughts dont do that. Some of them are quite scary!)

Any other ideas you would like to add?

*Obviously “help” is a subjective concept…

Married. Dad.

Blogger / WordPress / Email List Guy.

Photographer.

Support worker. Short sentences. I write Bio in.