Christian Songs For When You’re Caught

10 Ways To Manage Mischief At A Christian Festival

I like music. Its something thats been commented again and again, that I dont seem to like quiet. Back in the day when I was still living at home, my mum used to come in and open the windows. Me? I used to come in and put the radio / CD on.

I’ve got various playlists that I can play depending on whats happening / the time of day / if the vicar is over.

So, when a conversation on Twitter went onto discuss “Ten worst CCM songs to be playing when busted”, I couldn’t help but wonder… What Songs could be played when you’re caught doing something wrong?

When you’ve broken that expensive vase.

Plumb – Beautifully Broken

Watering your garden during a hose pipe ban…

Crowder – Let It Rain (Is There Anybody) (Lyric Video) ft. Mandisa

When you’re going a little fast through a speed trap…

Carrie Underwood – Jesus, Take The Wheel

When you miscount the collection…

JJ Weeks Band – Count Them All

When you save over the wrong file at work.

Jeremy Camp – Jesus Saves 

Is there any you would add?

(With thanks to @DavePiperDJ and @simononradio)

Could the next Evangelical Alliance Chief Executive be an Avenger?

Could the next Evangelical Alliance be an Avenger?

Have you heard of the Evangelical Alliance? They are a… alliance of evangelical type people… (Read their about us page if you’re really interested) Basically, the UK branch are looking for a new Chief Executive.

Which brings me nicely onto this tweet…

I cant talk Game of Thrones, but Avengers I can…

So which member of The Avengers, would make a good Evangelical Alliance Chief Executive ? I couldn’t resist giving it a think…

(Yes there are spoilers for Avengers Endgame coming up – I’m NOT messing with you!) Please scroll down past Spoiler Darth to read more…

STOP SCROLLING! THERE BE SPOILERS BELOW!
Last warning of spoilers…

So we’re looking for an Avenger that can…

(Provide) inspirational leadership and helping developing our vision, mission, purpose and strategy, this person will lead the UK’s oldest and largest evangelical unity movement forward.

Read the rest of Job Description on the EA site.

Which Avenger could be the next EA Chief Executive?

Ronin / Clint / Hawkeye

Image result for ronin hawkeye gif

Hear me out here! The guy is a passionate family man, with a do what needs to be done attitude to protect his friends. True, people may have problems with some of his measures, but he will ensure churches / various EA people don’t stray to far away from the EA party line.

Black Widow

Image result for black widow gif
She basically led The Avengers during “The 5 years”
There could be a gentle issue with her being dead though.

Vision

Image result for Vision gif
You want Vision?
This guy is Vision.
But also dead. (At least for now)

Iron Man

Image result for iron man gif
I…. I cant….

Wanda Maximoff

Image result for scarlet witch endgame gif
Because why not?
Would you want to mess with her?
She’s still alive.
She flipping kicks ass.
There is a risk that her Superhero name of Scarlet Witch may prove problematic.

Thor

Image result for thor gif
The sort of Avenger that could be good at it, but would prefer to be off having adventures in space instead? Simply put. He would be awesome, would tick the boxes, but would hand it over as soon as the first ship comes along.
People may get a little upset about the whole “god” thing though.

The Hulk

Image result for professor hulk gif
No not when he’s all “Hulk Smash”, but when he’s Endgame “Professor Hulk”.
The dudes clever, good with kids, and while he hasn’t shown massive leader experience, he’s big and green. I’d listen to him.

Who would you choose?

(With thanks to @DavidSJAustin)

10 MORE ways to create trouble in church… but still being biblical about it!

10 MORE ways to create trouble in church… but being biblical about it!

Sometimes, my mind wonders. Once I wondered about “Wouldn’t it be funny if a particular situation happened”. The thing is, there would have to be a biblical basis for the trouble was created?

That led to the post 10 ways to create trouble in church… but being biblical about it! – After some ideas from @DavidSJAustin on Twitter, I wondered if there more ideas for the Biblically minded trouble maker…

If you are still in a trouble making mood, and looking for more ideas – then check out our following list:

  1. Call down fire from Heaven.*
  2. Busy Church service? Make a hole in your Church roof to ensure people can get a good view of the speaker.**
  3. Answer the criticism of Biblically inaccurate Hollywood movies, by putting on a Biblically accurate live drama of, The Song of Songs.
  4. Bring your sleeping bag to Church. (Dropped down through the ceiling).
  5. Have a fig tree in or near the Church grounds? Take a cutting, plant it properly, and bring it to Church. If anyone asks, explain you are trying to redeem it as you’re worried its cursed.
  6. Bring your donkey to Church.***
  7. Share honey with people at Church. If they ask where it came from, tell them you found it in a lion carcass.
  8. Bring your dead granny to Church and ask the vicar to raise her up.
  9. Church leader preaching on Noah? Get the taps running. ****
  10. Cover yourself in cornflakes and ring a bell, shouting “unclean, unclean”.

*You may get some odd looks if you do this.
** Heavy tools may be needed.
*** Could get messy.
**** Remember, Life jackets could be useful if the doors are shut.*****
***** Are these stars getting silly now?

Obviously the sofa takes no responsibility for anything you do as a result of reading this. Ever.

Any one got other ideas?

Christian Excuses For Being Late To A Meeting

I’ve commented before, that the Church does seem to get people working as teams very well. That could be the Church setup team, the Church flower team, the preaching team, the welcoming team, the Church team, the list goes on…

And obviously, every now and then, meetings are arranged, which as much as you try… you don’t seem to get to on time.

What good excuses are there for when you’re late to a Church Meeting*? Here is our list:

  1. There were too many heathens driving on the road.
  2. I became too distracted by praying for each individual present here today.
  3. There were too many saints on the road… and they were ALL keeping to the speed limit.
  4. I took Communion with my family before I left, so obviously I had to finish it off. Therefore I had to walk.
  5. I was on my way and started praying… maybe I shouldn’t have closed my eyes whilst driving…
  6. The angels didn’t fly me here quick enough.
  7. I felt led to drive here via a less sensible route.
  8. I couldn’t have got here any faster without running… and you know… Proverbs 28.
  9. I felt led to pray for this meeting before I came. I felt a lot of prayer was needed…
  10. I am not late. I am here exactly when the Holy Spirit meant for me to be here.

Any more you would try?

*All excuses also apply for times when you’re late to Housegroup.

10 Ways To Get The Church Leader To Love You

How-To-Make-Your-Church-Leader-Love-You

Lets face it. There’s a reason why we get nervous about the vicar (or any Church leader) coming to visit us. It’s because the Church Leader is basically the closest to God we can basically get right?

Otherwise, how else would the Church Leader be a Church Leader right?

So following that logic, wouldn’t it be good if the Church leader loved us right?

Here are 10 ways to get the Church Leader to love you.

  1. Raise your hands in worship at least twice every Sunday.
  2. Make it clear that PCC Top Trumps is indeed your favourite game.
  3. During the sermon shout out helpful, slightly related Bible verses, my favourite is 2 Kings 2:23-24.
  4. Doodle complimentary things about God and the Church in the Church Bibles.
  5. As you leave ‘hum’ parts of the sermon to yourself, so he doesn’t feel jealous of the worship leader.
  6. During the sermon shout out AMEN! Every 2 minutes…
  7. Dress like your church leader. Bonus points if you’re not the same gender, or if your Church leader wears really big robes.
  8. Make your ‘fly needs checking’ motions halfway through the service.
  9. At least a week beforehand, ask what their main points in the sermon will be, so you can read up on it. This may also act as a prompt for them to start working on the sermon, which would be even better.
  10. Mark their sermons 10 out of 10 each week. Use big boards, and hold them up at the back of the Church towards the end of sermon. Encourage people around you to cheer and applause when you do.

Any other suggestions that you would add?

When you have a new welcomer…

Possible other tricks for Church welcomers could include…

(Affiliate links are below)

  • Electric hand buzzers
  • See how many leaflets, song sheets, notices, and Bibles. (Yes. Plural). Everyone can be given as they arrive. Take bets on who would drop them all first.
  • A Flower Water Squirter… attached to your shirt.
  • Ask someone who has never been to your church before to join the welcoming team that one Sunday. Watch the confusion on the faces on the regulars as they realise they have no idea who this person is.*
  • Spinning Bow Ties
  • Offer everyone a coffee… while its actually an espresso.
  • Try and hide your head in your top… balance this where your head should be.

Any you can suggest?

*Actually I have happy memories of accidentally being involved in something like this.

Places for a Christian Nap.

Other good times and places for a nap include…

  • The Sofa.
  • A Bean bag
  • A bed.
  • After you’ve eaten a Haggis.
  • When you’re tempted to go for a run.
  • Under the office desk when everyone else has gone home.
  • The back pew – once the sermon has gone over 25 minutes.

Any other places?

(With thanks to Memes for jesus for the above Bible study in sleep.)