What To Look For In A New Church

Are you considering going to a new Church? Is there somewhere you have your eye on? A Church you’ve been pondering? Before you go along, there may be a few things you might want to look out for, possibly even before you find yourself in a hall with them. Be warned we recommend some sort of binocular/ disguise set up, so you can properly scope the church out before you go, “for the first time”.

  1. Make a note of how people dress, subtly draw pictures of them if needs be. Besides you don’t want to rock up in suit and tie, just to be told “we don’t do that here”.
  2. On the above subject, ensure they wear clothes. I imagine going to a naked church is something you want to do on purpose, as opposed to accidentally going to a naked church.
  3. Is the communion wine alcoholic or basically ribena? Important incase of ribena hatred.
  4. How much incense is used? Do you need to bring an inhaler? (Obviously only applies if you’re asthmatic).
  5. Double check how people pray. If there is stomach punching involved, you may want to wear padding.
  6. Do they make new people stand up and introduce themselves? If so, be glad you’re watching this through a pair of binoculars.
  7. Is it a drinks before or after type church? And are the drinks alcoholic? If so, is there a car park to leave your car behind?
  8. Is offering each other a “Holy Kiss” a thing at this church? If so… run.

Anything you would add to the above list?

This Week In The Internet

A round up of some of the more random things from the world of Church internets that have come across The Sofa’s attention this week.

Something about Harry and Meghan

Christian Today reported on Christians reaction to recent news from the Royal Family…

Christians have been voicing their sympathy for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex on Twitter today after they confirmed that they are stepping back as “senior” members of the Royal Family.

In an announcement, the couple said they had reached their decision “after many months of reflection and internal discussions”. 

They plan to split their time between the UK and North America, “continuing to honour our duty to the Queen, the Commonwealth and our patronages,” and have said their goal is to become “financially independent”. 

“We intend to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family and work to become financially independent, while continuing to fully support Her Majesty The Queen,” they said. 

Read More

Also Christian Today…

#CreepyTweetOfTheWeek

From well known Bible Teacher John Piper…

I know its not from this week… but dude… creepy.

Vague Prophecy of The Week

Well that was both doom laden, and vague. I guess if something happens, at somepoint, in some of those huge cities – Jim Bakker can point back to this right?

Heres to a more optimistic and positive week ahead…

Jim Bakker Has A Deal For YOU!!!

Post Christmas, we are all looking for ways to save money right?

American televangelist, Jim Bakker has the perfect deal for you. You can get a package that includes a booklet, two coins, two DVDs, an engraved brass plate, your photos included in a photo album, and a membership card.

This is yours for a low price of only $100,000.00!

Fancy it? Get it from the jimbakkershow.com website. Let me know how it is!