The Church Sofa

You’re at Church, and its a Communion service.

You’ve survived that loud “peace” stage of the service, and you’ve got to the point where the bread is starting to be broken up and distributed amongst the people there. Its normally a serious moment, but has your mind ever wondered during a communion service at all?

If it does. Dont think of these things.

1. If communion is shared around a circle, dont wonder if anyone sharing the cup has the plague.
2. If individual cups are used, don’t wonder which cup you would put the poison in.
3. Dont think about poisoning people, animals, or goats.
4. Why is only the vicar allowed to do communion? I thought we were all equal before God?
5. No the bread isn’t stale enough to warrant a food fight.
6. (If in a church that uses non alcoholic wine). Dont wonder if the Ribena should suddenly become alcoholic.
7. When the vicar is away, its probably best not to wonder why The Powers That Be insist that a visiting vicar needs to come in and do communion.
8. Dont wonder if it will be funny if you sneeze as you have the communion cup in your mouth – mid gulp – you’ll probably end up doing it, and you might just end up choking. And thats not fun for anybody. Remember its a communion service, there isn’t time for a funeral. So dont choke on the communion wine.
9. In many Churches, Communion is a serious moment. Its quiet. People might have their heads down. People may be praying. Do not think about how funny it will be if you laugh. Dont think about laughing. Because you’ll swallow that urge to laugh, but then. You’ll think about how funny it might have been if you did laugh, and now the urge to laugh is stronger then before… etc… etc…
10. Work out a way to ensure the vicar has loads of wine to consume at the end. Watch to see if they really drink all of it. Maybe offer them a lift home if they do?

Any more?

ThatAndy

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