A Way To Rate A Funeral

It was one of those questions that I wasn’t sure how to answer: “How was it?”. The “it” in question was a funeral. My mind flashed through a few different answers before, saying something deep and meaningful like, “errrr…. it was alright”. This got me thinking, how do you describe how good a funeral is? Is there a rating system for funerals?

Turns out, having a guide for rating a funeral is weird.

Therefore, please let me introduce the Church Sofa Guide to Rating a Funeral.

1 / 10: Lazarus
2 / 10: Its a wet wet day. The coffin is made from cardboard…
3 / 10: Someone slipped on the graveside. Joined the deceased underground.
4 / 10: The previously mentioned soaking wet coffin gets dropped…
5 / 10: Someone forgets to check the “deceased” for signs of fireworks in their pockets… Just before a cremation…
6 / 10: A nice little funeral, with a few nice people, with a nice vicar, leading a nice service, on a nice day, in a nice town…
7 / 10: A State Funeral.
8 / 10: One of those funerals with everyone you know there, INCLUDING, the people that matter.
9 / 10: Something combining a state funeral, with everyone you know there, INCLUDING, the people that matter – AND you have a heck of party afterwards!
10 / 10: Darth Vaders funeral.

Any other suggestions?

2 Replies to “A Way To Rate A Funeral”

  1. One I will never forget: The deceased died abroad and was shipped back to the UK in a lead-lined, sealed coffin, as per EU regulations. This meant we needed 8 bearers who barely managed. It poured for three days solid making the grave diggers job very difficult, often digging in water up to his thighs. Because of the coffin, the hole had to be about 2 feet wider than usual. As we stood at the graveside, with the bearers sweating against the heavy coffin, it was fascinating to see the sides of the grave crumbling away. The coffin was lowered just in time before the whole bearer party disappeared!

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