Have you got to the stage where you have a little version of yourself? (Otherwise known as a baby). Are you worried about what you need to keep a baby entertained in a Church service? Well this might help…
We have a selection of special tools to distract, entertain, and comfort mini-sofa, while ensuring her parents also get a chance to take part in the service.
So we’re proud to present, the “Take Your New Born / Baby to Church Survival Kit”
- Muslin to cover up the fact your using a dummy.
- Spare phone battery. Because you’ve been up for a long long time… and so has your phone…
- Energy drink – Because having coffee after the service is a little late.
- Note pad, and pen – useful for things such as funny drawings, paper plane material, and possibly sermon notes.
- Church Approved Toy. (Does not make noise, nor make other kids, or preacher jealous that he/she can’t play with said toy).
- Nappy bag – with enough nappies to last the length of the sermon.
- Milk bottles containing Ministry Approved Milk.
- Breakfast – because you were busy before the service making sure everyone else ate! Possibly a bacon roll? (Warning. People around you may be tempted to mug you for it)
- Push Chair. So you can race other “drivers” around the church hall.
- Map containing directions to nearest exit – in case of sudden ‘exit’ issues…
- Children’s Bible – because we all need help understanding sermons sometimes.
- A note in your organiser letting you know that the service is starting 30 mins earlier… you’re never going to get there on time otherwise…
Any more that we’ve missed?
You’re there. Driving fast / cycling like a crazy person / trying not to run… but either way you’re running late to a meeting. It could be Housegroup, a prayer meeting, or some sort of leaders meeting. Whatever the meeting is, you’re running late to it.
You could either arrive late. Or you could arrive late with style. Want to choose the style option? Check out our list of 10 Ways To Be Late To A Meeting:
- That short cut you’ve been meaning to try out. See if its really a short cut.
- Don’t even acknowledge you’re late. Enough panache and you can leave everyone else wondering whether they were early.
- Explain to people you’ve been there all the time, and that you just nipped out to go the loo. Act upset that they didn’t notice you if they show any signs of doubt.
- Walk in with some elaborate excuse. Ignore the looks you get when the KFC wrappers fall out your pocket, and pretend they’ve been on the floor all along.
- With Pizza / beer / Dohnuts…. (No one will care if you’re late as long as you’re sharing)
- Now is the time to turn vigilante! Put on your Batman outfit, and run around the local park telling the local teenagers to go to bed. When you turn up to your meeting battered and bruised, explain you felt called to do some detached youthwork on your way there.
- Walk in. Take a seat. When people look at you, just explain that you weren’t late – as you’ve been there in spirit since the start. In fact this could be used if you miss the entire meeting.
- Arrive in disguise. (As someone who really shouldn’t be at that meeting)
- Knock on the window, asking to be let in. Explain that you wanted to make an entrance. (Bonus points if you’re above the 2nd floor)
- Get yourself a wizard outfit, just so you can reenact this:
Sometimes, an argument can be good for the soul, or at least a good debate can be a great way to let go of some frustration, clear the air, and hear what people may really think about a particular subject
If you happen to fancy starting a debate (maybe during housegroup), here are a couple of comments that if you shout them loud enough, someone may react**.
- I don’t believe infant baptism is biblical .
- I believe Christian Concern are right about the London Mayor.
- If Christianity was alcohol, which alcohol would it be?
- We drink alcohol free communion wine right? Thats what Jesus would drink.
- Praying in tongues is to be encouraged.
- What do people think about women being able to speak in Church?
- I voted Conservative in the election, please don’t judge me.
- I dont think we’re welcoming as a church to *choose your own group of people*.
- The King James Version of the Bible, is the only true word of God.
- Ask why we need to meet as a Church on Sundays, as opposed to meeting with people at other times.
Any other comments you could make to start an argument?
**The Church Sofa takes no responsibility if any debate / argument gets out of hand in any way. We’re not even responsible for childish name calling… but that might be funny…
You’re at Church, and its a Communion service.
You’ve survived that loud “peace” stage of the service, and you’ve got to the point where the bread is starting to be broken up and distributed amongst the people there. Its normally a serious moment, but has your mind ever wondered during a communion service at all?
If it does. Dont think of these things.
- If communion is shared around a circle, dont wonder if anyone sharing the cup has the plague.
- If individual cups are used, don’t wonder which cup you would put the poison in.
- Dont think about poisoning people, animals, or goats.
- Why is only the vicar allowed to do communion? I thought we were all equal before God?
- No the bread isn’t stale enough to warrant a food fight.
- (If in a church that uses non alcoholic wine). Dont wonder if the Ribena should suddenly become alcoholic.
- When the vicar is away, its probably best not to wonder why The Powers That Be insist that a visiting vicar needs to come in and do communion.
- Dont wonder if it will be funny if you sneeze as you have the communion cup in your mouth – mid gulp – you’ll probably end up doing it, and you might just end up choking. And thats not fun for anybody. Remember its a communion service, there isn’t time for a funeral. So dont choke on the communion wine.
- In many Churches, Communion is a serious moment. Its quiet. People might have their heads down. People may be praying. Do not think about how funny it will be if you laugh. Dont think about laughing. Because you’ll swallow that urge to laugh, but then. You’ll think about how funny it might have been if you did laugh, and now the urge to laugh is stronger then before… etc… etc…
- Work out a way to ensure the vicar has loads of wine to consume at the end. Watch to see if they really drink all of it. Maybe offer them a lift home if they do?
Church. Its meant to be a family, but if its a family, then there are many different groups found there. Almost how there were many different groups in your High School. I wondered around my church last Sunday and found the following 10 Groups of People in Church. Here is a breakdown of who they are, and what they do:
- First timers / Kinda New People. These are the people who get offered the nice snacks first, get invited out for food, and have chatty people come and talk to them most Sundays. A useful group to be in.
- Hospital People. If you find a way to abuse the above to much, then the warden may put you in this group of people….
- Worship Leading People. Can normally sing.
- Visiting Preaching People. Not normally sure how long a sermon is meant to last.
- Children’s Group People. Can normally be found waiting for the Visiting Preaching People to finish.
- Useful People. Cant normally be found as they’re busy being useful. The disadvantage is that they are always really busy, and have things to do, their advantage is that they avoid…
- List People. They have lists. The lists need to have peoples names on them, such as, who’s going to do the Bible reading, or who’s bringing what to the next Church meal / potluck.
- Outgoing Happy People. Mostly popular with “List People”, as the “Outgoing Happy People”, are normally happy to read confidently in front of people, knock on strangers doors, etc. Also known as “Good Christian People”.
- Natural Evangelist People. Most happy to knock on strangers doors in the evening.
- Young People. Been told to NEVER knock on anyone’s doors.
Any that I’ve missed?
For some random reason, you have the vicar coming to visit, and if The Simpsons have taught us anything, he’s not a normal house guest. He’s the vicar!
So what do you need to do to bring your house upto scratch? Check our “Vicar coming to visit” checklist, to make sure everything is done.
- Give the place a quick clean. Actually quite nice to do this anyway.
- Open a Bible, leave it open somewhere.
- Christian music. Something recognizable, Graham Kendrick would probably do.
- Christian music not option? Stick something gentle on in the background. Classic FM would do.
- Hide the Harry Potter DVDs.
- Hide the empty wine / beer / vodka / whiskey / miscellaneous alcohol bottles. If needed, try selling them.
- Get out the nice biscuits
- Make sure the book shelf has the “Christian” books at eye level.
- No Christian books? Put some nice cookery books on eye level. Maybe put “50 shades of Grey” to one side.
- Put a calendar in your lounge, circle each Sunday, and (if they’re released) mark the sermon titles with Bible verses. (To really connect with your vicar, we recommend The Dave Walker Guide to the Church 2016 Calendar)
Any more that should be included?
Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission.I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
Its a new week. Its the start of a new month. You may have a meeting coming up at church. Yes. Another church meeting.
The Church Sofa team have sat through some Church related meetings… and other random meetings as well. Here’s someways to help survive yet another meeting:
- Subtly text someone else who is also looking bored in the same meeting.
- When offered a drink, ask for water. Slowly replace it with Gin when no one is looking.
- Pull your phone out, look at the screen and calmly exclaim “oh good God” and rush out. Later on when you’re asked why you left, look slightly embarrassed say sorry “I cant really talk about it. you know how it can be”. confused they will just agree with you. and you are all free!
- Try some gentle rocking. That will probably get you excused.
- Dont get angry. Getting angry will only lead to the meeting being even longer then it needs to be. But you might want to try sleeping.
- Someone not there? I’m sure they’ll love to do “that” job.
- Plot how hard you have to fall out your chair to be excused from the meeting, but not need a hospital trip.
- Wear one of those glasses which has open eyes on the front. While you enjoy being asleep.
- Notepad. Pen. Pretend to write loads of notes. While you’re actually writing a silly Church Sofa list of stuff.
- Play a game of “word bingo” with a friend. Obviously feel free to cheat, but when your list of words have been spoken during the meeting you do have to shout out “BINGO!”
Any more tips to share?
As with any year, this year is going to share its own fair share of challenges and big events. One of the big events for you, may be that either you or someone you know is getting married. If you’re getting married – Congratulations! If you’re helping with someone getting married – this is for you. Collected from a number of “interesting” weddings, here is a list of a few things that need to be remembered when planning a wedding.
- You’re not going to get it all right.
- People love it when you choose a really obscure wedding service venue, followed by a really obscure venue for your reception.
- People love it when they go to a wedding service and hear all new songs! So choose the most obscure songs you know!
- Think twice before suggesting a wild dress code, and remember: Naked wedding services are never OK!
- Remember to actually hire a church… and get people to play the music – if you want music.
- Wedding Cake! Everyone loves Wedding Cake. Get plenty of Wedding Cake!
- Don’t worry about remembering about where the wedding rings are. Someone will remember where they end up.
- When planning a seating plan, always think about what the most entertaining arrangement would be.
- Get the best man to recreate that Best Mans speech from Sherlock.
- You’re going to upset at least someone, so make a list of people you know, and ensure you upset at least one person a day until you get married. That way you can make sure you upset everyone in equal measure.
Any more handy hints?
Are you looking for a Christmas Present for a new Christian in your life?
Thinking about getting them a bible, but worried they’d struggle to survive meetings where its read?
Then try Christianese!
Christianese should be available from all good Christian book stores