How much of this can you get through?
Archives For Church Services
Dear Vicar of St Trinity The Highest,
I would like to apologise for my absence during the first part of Church last Sunday morning. After the service, I had a conversation with the Church secretary, and it seems no one made the point of telling me that the morning service has changed its start time from 11 to 10:30.
I am sorry that this was the case.
I have to admit, the time change has messed me around a little. I won’t have enough time in the morning now to watch all of Songs of Highest Praise on the interweb thing.
Why did you change the service start time anyway? Don’t you realise it’s not important?
So you’re in the service, its got to the sermon, and it feels like the sermon has been going on… since forever… Well here is the Church Sofa List of how to tell the preacher in question, its time to wrap it up…
- Stand at the back – make a “your fly is down” motion..
- Arrange your row to pretend to sleep at the same time.
- Rig up some sort of traffic light system…
- Split the congregation up into three sections, get some sort of Britains Got Talent system going…
- Everyone. Look at the clock.
- Adjust the clock so you can speed it up… You will need to steal the preachers watch to do this!
- Everyone in the congregation… Set your alarms to go at the same time.
- Countdown music after 25 minutes.
- Bribe the PA staff … Kill the mic!
- Do you have the preachers mobile number? Reckon its set to silent? Test it…
You know its going to be a bad service when:
- You’re singing loudly, and out of tune… without realising your minister has changed the song lyrics.
- The baby you’ve been asked to hold, throws up…over your face.
- If I told you about The Giggle Loop… you’d be part of The Giggle Loop…
- The Prayer time starts… so does your coughing fit.
- You grab your bottle of Coke… open the bottle… swig… and it drops as you put it down. Its amazing how far a bottle of coke can spread over a floor.
- Two words. Nose Bleed.
- You’re sat dead in the middle of the congregation… and you need to fart…
- You miscalculate the amount of sweets you’re taking out your pocket… dropping them loudly on the floor.
- Its quiet. Its serious. People are crying. Your phone rings. Loudly.
- You stand up in front of the Church Service… and wonder if you really did your flies up earlier.
Any that we’ve missed out?