A Guide For Christians Moving Home

Well, the Church Sofa family have moved home to what is now known as “Sofa Castle”, to celebrate we’ve put together this little collection of tips for moving home, or at least how a Christian should move home.

  1. While looking around people’s homes, during the “house searching” phrase, ensure you leave Christian literature on their dining room table.
  2. When looking for a house, ensure you find a place with enough space for a chapel.
  3. It’s not unheard of for people to leave furniture behind when they move, as sometimes they don’t need it in their new home, or sometimes they just can’t fit it out the door. If you’re leaving a cupboard or anything with a drawer, it will always be nice for the new home owner to discover a copy of the Gideons Bible within it.
  4. Don’t forget to leave your large cross behind on the wall. You can always build a new one.
  5. Pass a letter on to your buyer, via your Christian solicitor, advising of how blessed you hope they’ll be in their new home.
  6. Make sure anything alcohol related is covered up, this is to ensure you aren’t responsible for the faith of your removal men stumbling.
  7. During your house move itself, ensure you take regular breaks for water, food, prayer, praise, and Bible readings.
  8. Once you’ve moved home, ensure you drop Evangelistic leaflets down your road, or if you really want to “Move Like Jesus”, knock on all the doors in your new road and ask them if they want to go to Church with you next Sunday.
  9. Has a neighbour just knocked on your door to introduce themselves? Ask if theres anything you can pray for?
  10. Ensure you play a song like this really really loud, out the windows:

Obviously, dont forget to build that chapel.

Any more you suggest?

Married. Dad.

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Photographer.

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Need A Instant Vicar?

Its holiday time. You’ve turned up to church. And you’ve realised there is no vicar to lead the church service. What did the vicar say to you about going on summer holiday this week? Maybe you should have passed that message on…

Nows your chance to be a Super-Church-Hero! Grab your handy Instant Vicar Set, put on your dog collar, and save Sunday by leading the service!

instant vicar set

The Instant Vicar Set is available from Amazon.co.uk

Married. Dad.

Blogger / WordPress / Email List Guy.

Photographer.

Support worker. Short sentences. I write Bio in.

The Church Sofa 4th Birthday Self Indulgent List of Stuff

church SofaIts our Birthday today. We’ve reached the grand old age of 4, which I believe means we’re mostly cute with random strops when we’re not allowed chocolate biscuits. It also means there is an excuse to post a list of our most popular posts /pages from the last 4 years:

  1. Guide to Raising Hands in Church.
  2. The Church Sofa Guide to Church.
  3. Facebook Christmas Cover Photos.
  4. Introducing “God Baby”.
  5. Christian Chat Up Lines.
  6. Do you need a spare vicar?
  7. Ten Ways to Misbehave at A Christian Festival.
  8. Things Jesus Never Said.
  9. An Open Letter.
  10. 7 Excuses For Not Going to Church.

Thank you for your support over the last 4 years. I’m going to go now and eat some cake…

Married. Dad.

Blogger / WordPress / Email List Guy.

Photographer.

Support worker. Short sentences. I write Bio in.

How to misbehave at a Christian Festival

Well its not just approaching the end of July, its also approaching Christian Festival season. With Festivals like Greenbelt, Momentum, Soul Survivor, Creation Fest, there are plenty to choose from. Many of these are great amazing times, and I doubt you’ll get bored at any of them, but you might. If you do, maybe you’ll find some inspiration here for the best way to misbehave at a Christian Festival

  1. Not at all charismatic? Surrounded by very charismatic worshippers? Feel out of place? Offer tea and refreshments to those around you. Obviously ask people to put their hands down if they want any drink.
  2. Start a rumor that Delirious aren’t really coming back together.
  3. Set up a mobile wifi hotspot, with no password. Call the network “Free WiFi For All”. Block access to Facebook and Twitter over it.
  4. Set up a toilet cubical, with big signs so that everyone knows its a toilet cubical. Forget to include the toilet.
  5. Do you snore? Position a megaphone inside your tent, so your snoring sounds are picked up by the megaphone. If people complain, explain how it’s been a problem all your life. Ask for prayer.
  6. Advertise a pop up pub that will appear on the last night of the festival, ensure the advertising mentions the words “Cheap” and “Beer” over and over. Set up a pop up pub, sell beer, dont mention its alcohol free…
  7. Encourage “serventhood” at the festival, by offering free coffees to people around your tent, as the week goes on increase the strength of the coffee. On the last day, switch to decaf.
  8. Dance like David danced during the worship. With the same amount of clothes…
  9. Have a stand up offering to baptise people. When people come to be baptised, use your super soaker to baptise them. Include red food colouring, when they look at you oddly, explain they’ve been baptised in the blood of the lamb.**
  10. Set up a game of laser quest. In and among people during a worship service. Something like this.

* There are loads more obviously, but I’m not going to list them all. Someone just has to be left out at somepoint.

**if you have the money, you could just use lambs blood.***

*** give this a really long think before you do this. It is kinda gross.

Any more suggestions?

For more ideas, check out last years list: Ten Ways to Misbehave at a Christian Festival.

Disclaimer: Do any of these at your own risk, the Sofa takes no responsibility for any trouble that happens to you if you do this, but if you do end up in Christian Festival Jail, please let us know what that’s like.

Married. Dad.

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Photographer.

Support worker. Short sentences. I write Bio in.

10 Christian Insults To Consider.

Sometimes, people get to you. Admit it, they do. Go on, its ok its only you and I here. When people get you, do you ever really want to turn around and tell them to *******!!!!!!! away?

Obviously you don’t say it like that, because you’re a Christian, and Christians dont insult people right?

What if Christians did insult people? What would a Christian insult look like?

Here are ten to consider using at Church on Sunday:

  1. In our fathers house there are many rooms. May you be in the opposite wing to me.
  2. If you were around then, you probably wouldn’t have been the disciple Jesus loved.
  3. You are the Alliance to my Oasis.
  4. You can sit on my left.
  5. Doubting Thomas looks certain next to you.
  6. May you look back at Sodom.
  7. When I look at you, I am reminded that there are things sent to test our faith.
  8. That was done with all the subtlety of Mark Driscoll.
  9. Some people are wheat and others chaff.
  10. Some people are like angels who fell from heaven. You climbed up from the other place right?

Any more?

Married. Dad.

Blogger / WordPress / Email List Guy.

Photographer.

Support worker. Short sentences. I write Bio in.