How To Arrange Seats In Church

Normally when this blog discusses Church seating arrangements, it is in the context of arguing between the use of chairs or Church pews.

Today, I’d like to present the above diagram, showing how seats can be arranged in Church.

As you can see, the seats are presented in a semicircle, giving the speaker a fantastic chance to engage with as many people as possible.

It also means that preschoolers can wave and shout hello at each other during the service.

How do you arrange you seats in church, and why is that a silly move?

(Yes the above diagram was indeed written on the back of a Church Notice Sheet, during a church service.

Can you spot the moment when I felt I should stand up during worship?)


Groups of People Found in Church

Church. Its meant to be a family, but if its a family, then there are many different groups found there. Almost how there were many different groups in your High School. I wondered around my church last Sunday and found the following 10 Groups of People in Church. Here is, who they are, and what they do:

  1. First timers / Kinda New People. These are the people who get offered the nice snacks first, get invited out for food, and have chatty people come and talk to them most Sundays. A useful group to be in.
  2. Hospital People. If you find a way to abuse the above to much, then the warden may put you in this group of people….
  3. Worship Leading People. Can normally sing.
  4. Visiting Preaching People. Not normally sure how long a sermon is meant to last.
  5. Childrens Group People. Can normally be found waiting for the Visiting Preaching People to finish.
  6. Useful People. Cant normally be found as they’re busy being useful. The disadvantage is that they are always really busy, and have things to do, their advantage is that they avoid…
  7. List People. They have lists. The lists need to have peoples names on them, such as, who’s going to do the Bible reading, or who’s bringing what to the next Church meal / potluck.
  8. Outgoing Happy People. Mostly popular with “List People”, as the “Outgoing Happy People”, are normally happy to read confidently in front of people, knock on strangers doors, etc. Also known as “Good Christian People”.
  9. Natural Evangelist People. Most happy to knock on strangers doors in the evening.
  10. Young People. Been told to NEVER knock on anyones doors.

Any that I’ve missed?

How To Double Your Church Attendance

Well, I’m not sure whats in the above leaflet, but here’s our list of ways to double you church attendance:

  1. Offer a free pint of beer with every sip of communion wine.
  2. Advertise free cake.
  3. Have a decent clown show.
  4. (In case people are scared of clowns), arrange for scary clowns to chase people in to the church from the street.*
  5. Get many many sofas in.
  6. Two words. Cake Communion.
  7. A screen showing what people are tweeting about the sermon, located above the head of the preacher – therefore… the preacher cant see what people are tweeting about.
  8. Cook Bacon sandwiches deep within the church hall, use an elaborate system of fans to blow the smell out through the doors and into the streets, to lure people in with the smell. Once enough people are in, LOCK THE DOORS!!!
  9. Have a series of helium balloons dotted around the hall. Each time the worship leader sings a chorus more then necessary, he needs to inhale one balloon. One balloon per unneeded chorus repeat, therefore, if the worship leader repeats a chorus ten times, he inhales ten helium balloons.
  10. Big Red Buttons on every seat, that people can push when they’re bored during the sermon. Once boredum level reaches 70%, the preacher gets gunged… something like this…

 

Any more that should be included?

*Be warned. This may possibly not end well – and could be slightly mean.

 

How To Be A Welcoming Church

It seems that when churches aren’t talking about how to attract newcomers, they’re talking about how to welcome the newcomers once they’ve arrived. In order to aid this discussion, the church sofa presents 10 things that a Church can do to be more welcoming:

  1. Have all the chairs pointing to the entrance. Therefore anyone who arrives late can see ALL the smiling faces!
  2. Have children’s groups, but in the interest of security don’t tell people where they are.
  3. Ask newcomers to stand during the service and introduce themselves.
  4. Ensure that people only enter via the entrance hall, this way they get the welcome experience that they won’t get if they go any other way.
  5. To ensure you look like a welcoming church, ensure people gather and chat around the welcome desk. Newcomers will see this as they slip past and think that your church is incredibly welcoming.
  6. Have stairs leading to the creche. Parents are used to dealing with push chairs and stairs anyway.
  7. Whilst performing the peace encourage all to greet new comers with a “Holy Kiss”.
  8. Randomly change the time and venue of your main Sunday meeting. People love change.
  9. Doing something a little different this Sunday morning? Don’t worry about explaining it to people if they walk in late. They’ll just have to talk to people to work out whats going on.
  10. Encourage people to talk by removing signs to the toilets.

Are there any hints you can share?

Church Sofa A – Z Guide To Church. Burning The Heathens

Everyone now and then, Churches get upset about things. Sometimes this is about things like homelessness, and food poverty, other times it could be things like worship song choices, Mark Driscoll, or women not allowed to preach. The list that causes it is long, but every now and then, people both on and off Twitter, go into what we call “Burning The Heathens” mode.

If you are involved in a Heathen Burning, we recommend to remember the following check list:

  1. Pitchfork (Sharpened)
  2. Axes
  3. Burning torches
  4. Bible Teaching from someone you agree with.
  5. Lack of patience.
  6. Lack of willingness to discuss.
  7. Don’t ask why
  8. Find fuel for the fire.
  9. Don’t check if this happening elsewhere.
  10. Acceptance.

The Church Sofa website does not support the idea of actually burning people. Thats not nice, and you would deserve the full force of the law on you if you were to do sometime like that – you nasty person!

This post may have been ripped off a previous post, but I think it kinda works here as well.

Church Sofa A – Z Guide To Church. Bibles, Biscuits and Bishops

Our alphabetical guide to church life continues with…

Bible

aka “The Good Book”. Its generally thought that reading the Bible is a good thing. Reading things that help you read the bible is also considered a good thing. Lots of people try and read the Bible in a year. Last September we tried reading the Bible in a year. One of us got stuck around last November. The other is trapped around July.

Many people seem to agree that the Bible is a good thing to read. Actually reading it seems to be something else.

The thing is. With all the talk in churches of how good it is to read your Bible. What if people struggle to read?

Biscuits

Served with tea at the end of a church service. Or possibly during a housegroup.

Remember. Good Christians don’t take the last biscuit.

Bishops

Aka. The Boss. It was confirmed by the synod last year that while The Church of England is perfectly OK with women being a Church Minister / Vicar / Pastor… the idea of a woman being in charge was not really acceptable in these modern times.

The Boss sometimes visits churches to perform special things… like blessing a new church roof… or something. You can tell if he’s around due to the Church Warden using the following checklist.

1.Is the pastoral team wearing the correct liturgical uniform?
2.Do we have the correct amount of communion wine in stock?
3.Have “those” children been locked away in the crèche?
4.Has crèche been relocated into the basement?
5.Has the building been dusted? (In and out – yes including the tower)
6.New red carpet rolled out?
7.Crowd been taught correct responses?
8.Crowd now informed they are the “congregation”?
9.Do the “Sunday Morning Welcomer’s” look smart enough?
10.Does the communion wine have another alcohol in to ensure its elevated above the level of Ribena?

Any I’ve missed?