10 Ways That Christian Kids Delay Bed Time

Long time readers of The Sofa will know of my daughter, “Little Sofa”. I don’t mention her often as this place is often about silly church things… not little person things.

Now, if you don’t have kids yourself, they seem to hate the concept of going to relax in a bed and gently going to sleep for the night. (It’s like they believe that they’ll miss out on all the fun if they sleep.)

Normally kids employ tactics to stay up like, running, dancing, needing a wee, and going to the toilet.

Lately I’ve noticed that Little Sofa occasionally tries a different technique to avoid going to sleep… She starts talking about church things… and well I guess we’re never sure how much we should tell her to go to sleep if she’s asking questions about Jesus?

Anyway here’s a collection of Christian style techniques she has employed to stay awake. (Some of which I may have made up):

  1. Opens up and explains what they did at Sunday school / holiday club.
  2. Asks questions about diversity within the human race, and why we’re created differently.
  3. Asks about the people out in the lions den.
  4. “Did Jesus go to school?”
  5. Test parents about deep theological matters.
  6. Starts writing practice. Writing Bible verses.
  7. Insists on a really long prayer.
  8. Sings a long forgotten song from Holiday Club, really nicely, with cute dialed up to 12.
  9. “How does God know our name?”
  10. Complains about a dream during which they are chased by a really big blue book.

Any more you can offer?

Kids in Church

Post Sunday Childrens Group Conversation

Little Sofa had her first Sunday at a Childrens group which wasn’t creche today. In an attempt to engage her in conversation about it, Mrs Sofa asked her about a puppet that we believe might be Jesus.

Mrs Sofa: “Did Jesus go and see all the people?”

Little Sofa: (Very firm) “No”

Mrs Sofa: “Did Jesus sit down and eat a sandwich?”

Little Sofa: *Thinks for a moment* Yeah…

Kids in Church

How Toddlers Make You Late To Church

A little miracle happened on Sunday. The Church Sofa family made it to the Church service on time! Now this wasn’t without the toddler seeming to put her best efforts into making us late for Church. As we were leaving the house for the second time that morning, I wondered exactly how Toddlers can make you late for Church.

  1. The toddler asks… “One more Topsy and Tim / Bing / Kate and Mim Mim”
  2. The cry of, “I need a WEEEE”, just as you’re leaving the front door.
  3. Hiding your Bible. (Or using your Bible as a chew toy)
  4. The toddler deciding that, they don’t want that doggy toy, they want the other doggy toy.
  5. Dropping the toy Jesus just as you’re leaving.
  6. “One more Topsy and Tim / Bing / Kate and Mim Mim… Pleeeeeeaaaaaasssssseeee”
  7. Wanting to go in the driving seat of the car, and making that known by climbing past their car seat, and into the front.
  8. Deciding that no, they don’t want the bribe you offered to get out the house.
  9. Hearing a cry of “Oh No, POO!”
  10. Wanting to bring about 20 to many toys, therefore its time to turn into a top negotiator, and agree on an amount of toys that are acceptable to all parties.

What other ways do toddlers make you late?

Dangers Parents Face When Bringing A Child To Church

Congratulations. You have managed to make it to Church.

Actually hang on, you’ve managed to get to Church and not forget any family members on route. Massive Congratulations on not losing anyone.

Now, if your group includes a child, you need to remember – there are certain dangers you need to look out for when you take a child to Church.

  1. Being late, and having to contend with a church warden / steward “encouraging” you and your wiggly toddler to the front of the Church… whilst there are safer seats (and space to run at the back).
  2. Vicar: “Now lets take a moment of silent prayer”. Little One: “I NEED A POO!!!”.
  3. Formally breast fed toddlers getting jealous of the sight of a really little one getting breast fed… and running over to get a quick meal.
  4. The kid getting confused between a potty and the baptismal font.
  5. Is it your turn on the preaching rota? This will be the Sunday when your kid demands to play trains…with you… during the sermon.
  6. Has your toddler ever took their nappy off by themselves? THIS could be when they work it out!
  7. Toddler. Tantrums. Could be anytime?
  8. Your child refuses to be in their group (koala effect), but is too unsettled to be quiet enough for you to take them into the main service, hence you are stuck in the corridor limbo.

Any more you’ve come across?

Post originally appeared on The Dads Sofa.