10 Things To Do When You Really Don’t Want To Go To Church

We all get moments like this, at least we hope it isn’t just us. But sometimes there is something we just really don’t want to do: go to Church. Please find below our ten top tips on what to do in this situation. And please remember, as always, that we cannot be held responsible if any of these tips end up with you either going to hospital, losing your job, dying, being molested by squirrels, or anything else you might find unpleasant, oh and going to church.
  1. Stay in bed
  2. Consider playing football…
  3. Sit on the sofa, watch match of the day again and drink a beer (we know it’s early, but you do get wine at church…)
  4. “Something for the Weekend” / “T4”
  5. Its a sunny morning. Get outside. Enjoy it.
  6. *Snooze*
  7. Watch an online church service, on your laptop, while in bed.
  8. Make use of that gym membership you paid for ages ago
  9. Turn up for church for coffee at the end and pretend that you’d been there the whole time (please note: you may need to read the notice sheet from last week just in case someone questions you about the sermon i.e. the preacher)
  10. Go to church
Any comments on the above?

10 Games To play At #cnmac12

If you ever anything like me, it doesn’t matter how interesting a speaker is, sometimes your mind does wonder during a presentation.  Or you may have a moment or two of downtime between parts of the day.

If this happens to you – try these games. Please note you dont have to be at a Christian Media conference for many of these games to actually work.

  1.  Try and work out the percentage of Mac to Windows laptops in any given room.
  2. Congratulate anyone using a Linux operating system.
  3. Compare avatars to actual faces. Does anyone really look like their avatar?
  4. Do those premier signs still have photos of various cathedrals on them? If so try and work out which city each one is found in.
  5. Spot if anyone is sulking because they didn’t get a wifi slot.
  6. Tell @DigitalNun that she is by far the coolest nun you’ve come across.
  7. Encourage the conference presenter to organise a Mexican wave in the main lecture hall – via The Twitterfall
  8. How many vicars are there in the room? / How many vicars are there in disguise?
  9. Play hunt the person you want to meet up with, via clues on Twitter. Love the fact he greats you like an old friend.
  10. Count the amount of gadgets.
For the record – these games were made up on the train journey home, not during any presentations!!!
*The Church Sofa team are not responsible for any odd looks or people questioning your sanity if you do try any of the above out.

10 Ways To Hurry Up A Boring Sermon

So you’re in the service, its got to the sermon, and it feels like the sermon has been going on… since forever… Well here is the Church Sofa List of how to tell the preacher in question, its time to wrap it up…

  1. Stand at the back – make a “your fly is down” motion..
  2. Arrange your row to pretend to sleep at the same time.
  3. Rig up some sort of traffic light system…
  4. Split the congregation up into three sections, get some sort of Britains Got Talent system going…
  5. Everyone. Look at the clock.
  6. Adjust the clock so you can speed it up… You will need to steal the preachers watch to do this!
  7. Everyone in the congregation… Set your alarms to go at the same time.
  8. Countdown music after 25 minutes.
  9. Bribe the PA staff … Kill the mic!
  10. Do you have the preachers mobile number? Reckon its set to silent? Test it…

The Church Sofa Self Indulgent List of Stuff

Well… its our birthday, and we’re going to indulge ourselves a little by looking at the more interesting search terms people have used to come across the Church Sofa:

  1. “Church Irony”
  2. “Can i get married in a c of e church on a thursday?” –  I wanna guess maybe…
  3. “andy hood mackay” – I’m intrigued by this one. Just for the record… we’re not married… nor do we have a double barrelled surname….
  4. “ben sheward” – That legendary Westminster Abbey Verger   – Our first and so far only Hero of The Week!!!
  5. “church agm funny” – Are they? Really?
  6. “101 things to do when your bored uk” – I think… This was a result of when my computer died a long… painful… slow death
  7. … on that note a quite a lot of people have paid us a visit searching for “why macs are better than pcs”. For some odd reason a lot more people typed it this way round instead of PCs being better then Macs… Cant think why…
  8. “lego church pews” – Seriously? Really? Ouch? (I would guess this was something to do with the Lego Easter)
  9. “life is a pile of good things and bad things” – Wise words from the Doctor.
  10. And finally… “bench ball rules“. Yes yes it does!

 

 

5 Ways To Leave A Church Rota

Stuck making flower arrangements, when you dont know your rose from your thorn? Trapped making after Church refreshments, when you dont know your tea from your coffee? Maybe you need our top five ways to escape a Church Rota???

  1. Sign someone else up for the rota. It’s ok… The rota organiser will break the news to them.
  2. Make a Ganger
  3. Consider creating a swap chain. This is when you swap your shift for a shift in the future. You then swap that future shift for a shift in the further future. You then swap the further future shift for a shift even further way…
  4. Make really very awfully bad coffee (obviously this one won’t work for the flower rota)
  5. Put photos of yourself on Facebook showing how you are suffering from a rare genetic rash (with thanks to a felt tip pen). Once done phone up the rota organiser – gasp and whisper down the phone as you try and explain you can’t help this week – and evidence of your ill health happens to also be on Facebook…
Any more suggestions that we can add to the list?

The Church Zoo

To celebrate it being Thursday we thought we’d take a moment to introduce to some of the animals we’ve spotted watching, running around, or just loitering around the Church:

  1. Mr CatOLick – He likes to show his face in a  number of videos. Seems to like explaining the C of E to people. Shame he’s a cat really…
  2. Shouting for the Dogs. We have the newcomer to the Twitterworld – @_Dogma_
  3. Cant forget the ChurchMouse! But we do have a number of sources that suggest he could be a hamster… or a gerbil… or something…
  4. Church Ferret seems to linger on Facebook
  5. Last but not least – Mandy!

Anyone we forgot?

How to get the Church Leader to love you

1. Volunteer to join the Jack Bauer School of Evangelism.
2. Raise your hands in worship at least twice every sunday.
3. During the sermon shout out helpful, slightly related Bible verses, my favourite is 2 Kings 2:23-24.
4. If you’re gonna doodle, do it in your own Bible.
5. As you leave ‘hum’ parts of the sermon to yourself, so he doesn’t feel jealous of the worship leader.
6. During the sermon shout out AMEN! Every 5 minutes…
7. Volunteer to do the church newsletter, and do it well.
8. Make your ‘fly needs checking’ motions halfway through the service.
9. Ask at least a week before hand what their main points in the sermon will be, so you can read up on it.
10. Make sermon notes on Twitter… and tell them what Twitter is.