5 Ways To Leave A Church Rota

Stuck making flower arrangements, when you dont know your rose from your thorn? Trapped making after Church refreshments, when you dont know your tea from your coffee? Maybe you need our top five ways to escape a Church Rota???

  1. Sign someone else up for the rota. It’s ok… The rota organiser will break the news to them.
  2. Make a Ganger
  3. Consider creating a swap chain. This is when you swap your shift for a shift in the future. You then swap that future shift for a shift in the further future. You then swap the further future shift for a shift even further way…
  4. Make really very awfully bad coffee (obviously this one won’t work for the flower rota)
  5. Put photos of yourself on Facebook showing how you are suffering from a rare genetic rash (with thanks to a felt tip pen). Once done phone up the rota organiser – gasp and whisper down the phone as you try and explain you can’t help this week – and evidence of your ill health happens to also be on Facebook…
Any more suggestions that we can add to the list?

The Church Zoo

To celebrate it being Thursday we thought we’d take a moment to introduce to some of the animals we’ve spotted watching, running around, or just loitering around the Church:

  1. Mr CatOLick – He likes to show his face in a  number of videos. Seems to like explaining the C of E to people. Shame he’s a cat really…
  2. Shouting for the Dogs. We have the newcomer to the Twitterworld – @_Dogma_
  3. Cant forget the ChurchMouse! But we do have a number of sources that suggest he could be a hamster… or a gerbil… or something…
  4. Church Ferret seems to linger on Facebook
  5. Last but not least – Mandy!

Anyone we forgot?

How to get the Church Leader to love you

1. Volunteer to join the Jack Bauer School of Evangelism.
2. Raise your hands in worship at least twice every sunday.
3. During the sermon shout out helpful, slightly related Bible verses, my favourite is 2 Kings 2:23-24.
4. If you’re gonna doodle, do it in your own Bible.
5. As you leave ‘hum’ parts of the sermon to yourself, so he doesn’t feel jealous of the worship leader.
6. During the sermon shout out AMEN! Every 5 minutes…
7. Volunteer to do the church newsletter, and do it well.
8. Make your ‘fly needs checking’ motions halfway through the service.
9. Ask at least a week before hand what their main points in the sermon will be, so you can read up on it.
10. Make sermon notes on Twitter… and tell them what Twitter is.

The #howtosurviveachurchAGM List

So you’re there, at the Church Annual General Meeting, its ten minutes in and you’re already planning your exit strategy… What do you do to escape the meeting… What do you do… The list we came up with:

  1. Gnaw your own legs off, or dig a tunnel…
  2. Arrange for the youthclub to turn up half way through the AGM – pop out to deal with it!
  3. Light the thurible under the smoke detector (be careful with this… the meeting may be postponed until another time)
  4. Volunteer to help count the votes… resist the temptation to tamper with the results (200 Votes for the Church Cat to join the PCC may seem funny, but apparently isn’t acceptable behaviour…)
  5. Create make believe child… that you need to rush out and look after… because your make believe child is crying…
  6. Volunteer your mate sat next to you for things when they’re not paying attention.

With thanks to @Gerrarrdus for joining in the game with some of the above suggestions… just a shame my reception died… Please feel free to tweet or comment any of your suggestions!

The Bible Without God is Like…

Inspired by Bible for atheists – like lager without the alcohol?, and Jane Chelliah’s comment that went along side it, here is our list of comparisions of what the Bible is like without God:

The Bible Without God is Like…

  • Cheese and Crackers – without the Cheese.
  • Fish and Chips without the fish…
  • Cheese with no milk…
  • Wine without grapes…
  • Radio with no signal.
  • Doctor Who without a TARDIS.
  • Curry without Curry Powder (h/t Jane Chelliah)
  • Back To The Future without the Delorean
  • Omelette without eggs.
  • Coke without sugar or caffeine (have you tasted sugar free / decaff Coke?)

Is there any more we could use?

Hello. Our Church is still a Mac.

With thanks to @gerrarrdus here are a few more:

  1. Everyone in it thinks its great. Everyone else is kinda confused by it.
  2. The Church leader wears dorky clothes and is uncomfortable around women* (can be confused with fundamentalist Baptists)
  3. When it gets hot, you find out people dont know how to use windows properly.

*[Editors Note – Can also be applied to plenty of PC owners / churches as well]

Any more. Please feel free to leave a comment below:

Hello. Our Church Is A Mac

With thanks to @PaulMTilley @gerrarrdus, here are ten signs of a church being a Mac:

  1. Lets face it you look nice.
  2. Your Church building is very easy to find your way around – once you get used to it.
  3. Everyone involved is so so passionate! You dont need help with evangelism at your church… you do it anyway!
  4. Everyone looks so good, there’s almost a dress code.
  5. Pastoral care is nice and easy… No one ever feels broken.
  6. On that note… No one admits to getting a virus either.
  7. Style over teaching?
  8. You employ a creative director, because you’re that creative
  9. Leaky roof? PA system blown up? Thats ok, people can find the money to help replace bits and pieces.
  10. You might do the same stuff but you know it looks more exciting than the PC down the road

Any more?

Hello. Our Church Is A PC

With thanks to @PaulMTilley @gerrarrdus, here are ten signs of a church being a PC:

  1. My Word! You’re a practical bunch aren’t you!
  2. Nicely accepting as well anyone can join in.
  3. Shame you lot accept any passing colds and other viruses as well…
  4. You’re honest. You accept your failings.
  5. If someone wants to bring their friend along… the chances are their friend is going to fit in easier with you than the Mac down the road…
  6. Teaching over style?
  7. You try and start on time, but it takes a while to get started.
  8. Remember that time everything was going really well, smoothly, in the flow, then it… all goes blue!
  9. Simple questions all the time. For Example “Are you sure you want to pray? Yes or No”
  10. When a service goes wrong, you need to stop, close all the church windows, then start the service again.

Is there anything we should have included?

Part 2 is due later this week…

Top 10 Embarrassing Moments In A Church Service

You know its going to be a bad service when:

  1. You’re singing loudly, and out of tune… without realising your minister has changed the song lyrics.
  2. The baby you’ve been asked to hold, throws up…over your face.
  3. If I told you about The Giggle Loop… you’d be part of The Giggle Loop
  4. The Prayer time starts… so does your coughing fit.
  5. You grab your bottle of Coke… open the bottle… swig… and it drops as you put it down. Its amazing how far a bottle of coke can spread over a floor.
  6. Two words. Nose Bleed.
  7. You’re sat dead in the middle of the congregation… and you need to fart…
  8. You miscalculate the amount of sweets you’re taking out your pocket… dropping them loudly on the floor.
  9. Its quiet. Its serious. People are crying. Your phone rings. Loudly.
  10. You stand up in front of the Church Service… and wonder if you really did your flies up earlier.

Any that we’ve missed out?