The Rapture Survival Kit

In case you missed it. There is apparently an Apocalypse planned to take place fairly soon. Depending your choice of news outlet / personal religious teaching / worldview / blog, will impact on if you think this is The Apocalypse / An  Apocalypse / The Rapture, or indeed, another day.

Well JUST IN CASE something does happen, here’s what The Sofa suggests having on your person just in case…

  1. Spray Paint. Perfect for spray painting Bible verses over walls, trains, abandoned shops etc.
  2. Clothing. Just in case of sudden air raising, make sure when an apocalypse is planned, to wear clothes at ALL TIMES. (Indeed, clothing is generally a good thing to wear in general anyway).
  3. Plenty of Prescription Meds. If you need prescription meds that is, because well if you don’t then this would be a little naughty.
  4. Running shoes. In case of Zombie Apocalypse.
  5. A copy of the Left Behind series of novels. To act as a guide / hindrance depending how accurate they are.
  6. Bomb Proof Bible.
  7. Holy Water. Because, well you never know.
  8. A Torch. Because light, is good at dealing with dark.
  9. The AntiChrist Detector. Looking like something out of Doctor Who, when you point it at people, it will go “Ding” if it detects AntiChrist. Sadly it would probably act like it came from Doctor Who and go “ding” a little too often.

What else would you suggest that people have on them?

For an alternative take on a Rapture Survival Kit, please see rapture-survival-kit.com

Christian VR apps That HAVE to be made

A while back, I got my hands on a free pair of Google cardboard VR glasses. While a bit clunky, they are still a fab way to transform your smartphone into a Virtual Reality headset.

A bit clunky, but quite a cheap way of bringing some sort of Virtual Reality experience into the home.

Trying it out, got me thinking. If there were a series of Christian VR apps, what would that look like?

Here’s the Christian Virtual Reality that Sofa would like to see…

The stable. Experience the birth of Jesus in full immersive VR. Hear Mary’s birthing pains, see the confusion on the cattles faces, and watch Joseph faint.
A Mega Church App. Don’t go to a Mega Church. Stay at home, and feel the atmosphere without smelling other peoples sweat.
The Church Volunteer. Get an insight into volunteering at church without any need for preemptive commitment.
The Longest Prayer. We know that Jonah was swallowed by a big fish. But what did he see in the big fish? What did he do? Hear Jonahs cry to the Lord, as you see the inside of the fish from Jonahs point of view.
Full on March. Now you can also march around the city of Jericho.
Full immersive adult baptism game. Hit the button as you go underwater… to ensure you come back up again.
Missed Lunch. Get an in depth view of Daniel and The Lions Den. From the lions prospective.
The Church Volunteer Coordinator. Feel the panic, and have first hand perspective of what happens when all the volunteers stay at home, and try to volunteer via VR glasses.
Crucifixion. The Viewers Experience. Put on your VR glasses and be transported to the original Good Friday! Enjoy!

Have you got any further ideas?

Last Minute Mothers Day Gift Ideas!

Warning! Its Mothers Day soon (in the UK anyway), have you got a Mothers Day gift yet? I haven’t yet – and while pondering options, I absentmindedly wondered onto Amazon and wondered what results I would get if I did a search for “Christian Mum”.

I’ve taken what I’ve found, and turned it into The Church Sofa Last Minute Christian Mothers Day Gift Idea list. (Beware! Affiliate links are found below)

Something to write in.

Is the mum figure someone who likes writing stuff, there’s this woman’s journal…

Not sure how if its women focused, or if its the same thing as something else – but packaged differently. I’m just happy to see a lack of pink. (Find it here)

Something to listen to

Amazon has the full track list, but I wonder. How did the record company work out what worship tunes to include on this?

Something to help people pray?

Well Amazon had this… 

Something to start conversations with…

Perfect to evangelise the school run!

Amazon Link

Something to watch…

DVD available from Amazon, and I’ve heard rumours that its a good fun Christian movie – that doesn’t take itself too seriously!

What are your ideas for mothers day gifts? (Help me out here)

Getting Little Children To Church: A Timeline.

Have you ever struggled to get yourself to church on time? If you have children, you’ll know that the struggle to get children AND adults to church on time, has its own challenges*. Now admittedly we only have Little Sofa, so perhaps this speaks of our own organisation, but I figured it would be interesting to note down our typical timeline of events before we leave for church on a Sunday morning.

The minutes before we need to leave, are in bold…

65 minutes : Everyone goes to get clothes on.
60 minutes: Little Sofa successfully lobbies for a bath.
55 : Upon being told that bath is ready, Little Sofa proceeds to play statues.
50 : Little Sofa is put into the bath.
30 : Negotiations begin over who washes whose hair.
20: Hair washed. Little Sofa thrown into clothes.
15: Negotiations over different clothing begin.
10: Daddy challenges Little Sofa over who can get ready first. Little Sofa shouts “Me!”
9 minutes, 50 seconds. : Daddy checks twitter.
9 minutes, 49 seconds : Little Sofa declares that she is ready, and yes. Indeed. She also has shoes on.
8 minutes : Daddy falls downstairs, he finds Little Sofa was joking and is in fact just finishing getting clothes on.
5 minutes : The Game Of Statues restarts.
3 minutes: There is a shout “I’m already! I got my shoes on before you!”. She is in fact, next to the front door, with shoes on. Where as, Daddy doesn’t have shoes on. Or socks for that matter.

Time to go!!!!: There is a shout of “Can I bring all my babies” *proceeds to go upstairs to bring, all her babies**

5 minutes late : ALL THE BABIES ARE IN THE CAR. Once the car is parked up, there is a request of… “I want to bring all the babies… they might cry if I leave them in the car!”
Negotiations begin over which babies should stay in the car.

*Obviously some families manage to get everyone of their huge family to church on time. Every weekend. Fresh faced, and smiling. These people are obviously on a heavenly fast track, as examples of pure Godly organisation.

** Dolls. Not babies. I repeat. They are really dolls. Lots and lots of dolls.

Not babies.

How to Heat a Christian Home

Every now and then a colder night comes along and reminds us of a simple fact of life. Its still not Summer yet, and the heating gets turned up.

But how should a Christian heat their home? We have a few ideas…

  1. Have a hot mug of Church Coffee. There’s not much taste but you’ll have heat your home if you bring enough home.
  2. Get home group over, and arrange to meet in the smallest room you have. The combined body heat, will at least warm your room up.
  3. Invite the deaconate over. The hot air will warm your home up. For weeks.
  4. Cook for EVERYONE in church. The heat from your cooker will at least warm your kitchen up. But it may also melt any chocolate you have.
  5. Spend your days and nights doing as many exercise routines that you can, you’ll be shattered, but you will probably feel warmer for it!
  6. Pews. Fire Place? Just saying…?
  7. Pray for fire to fall from heaven… and for it to fall in a safe and accurate way. Accurate, because you probably don’t want your home to burn down, due to an access amount of heavenly fire.
  8. Use those left over Bible study notes as fuel for the fire.
  9. Spend long enough watching this on your TV…

10 Tips to keep a Tidy Christian House

They say that “cleanliness is next to godliness”, I’m not sure “they” are, and I’m not sure if “they” are right.   But  one time, while cleaning up for Housegroup, I did wonder. Are there “Christian ways to keep a house clean”? (Its the way my mind seems to work)

After consulting some particularly godly people, I gathered the following tops to keep a tidy Christian house.

  1. Invite housegroup to meet at your place… EVERY WEEK!!
  2. Preach on servanthood at Church. Encourage people to put that into action by cleaning up your place.
  3. Do not store up ANY treasures. Live a minimal life. Throw out EVERYTHING apart from your bible.
  4. Dont drink things like Tea that needs things like Tea Bags, as that creates needless waste… drink red wine… just like Jesus.
  5. Dont buy any Christian books. Convince your church to get it for the church book lending library, and borrow it from there instead.
  6. Only have one Bible. (Possibly the King James Version)
  7. Throw out your DVDs / Blurays… Sign up to Pureflix.com instead.
  8. Avoid beer bottles being built up. Drink only red wine. (Better if you buy red wine in those big boxes)
  9. You pray for the spirit of peace to come over your house everyday. Just hope that no one looks in the garden.
  10. Treat your house like Holy Ground… TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES!!!

How do you keep your house tidy?

The Church Sofa Awards 2017

Welcome to the eighth (EIGHTH!) edition of The Church Sofa Awards.

This is where we celebrate the best and sometimes worse moments of 2016, featured both on this blog and around the internet. Obviously the standard rules apply, no actual awards will be given out or harmed during these proceedings.

Before we move onto the awards, quick question. Does blogging through eight different festive seasons make The Church Sofa an old dusty seat in the lounge of UK Church Blogs? 

Anyway, I’ll try and avoid outwardly pondering my blogging mortality and get on with the The Church Sofa Awards:

The first award is…

Church Notice Board of The Year:  Well…

Its almost as if people can imagine how much people who walk on Lego need to be prayed for…

 

Twitter Hero of The Year:  I realise its a cheat.

I know its not part of Church Twitter.

But whoever is the team behind @CBeebiesHQ – well they are brilliant.

If you’ve got kids who watch CBeebies, give @CBeebiesHQ a follow. You wont regret it.

Most useful Church Sofa List: It looks like people like having ideas of ways to misbehave in church.

The Greatest Regret from 2017:  Last years awards include the following:

Last year I wrote, “Sofa does try and educate people about Church and Churchy things through the form of lists. This years most popular list seems to be A Reminder of What Is Not in The BibleI still sometimes ponder writing more about what isn’t in the Bible….” I still have the same ponder, and I’ve still done nothing about it. Sad how quick a year can pass isn’t it?

The thing is, the argument that something isn’t in the bible still seems to be coming up every now and then, and when it does I remember the above pondering.

Related to this, my post-it note stack of ideas still have some which are very half finished. Perhaps I should crack on with those post-it notes.

Or perhaps I should manage my time a little differently?

How about you?

Unfortunate Church Name of The Year:

Silly Song of The Year:

Oh where… oh where is my hairbrush?

Hero of The World.*

Normally I make a joke here.

Previous Heroes have included the bright lights of Nigel Farage, Donald Trump, and K2SO from Star Wars.

But thats starting to feel depressing.

So I’m going to name Barack Obama The Church Sofa Hero of The World in 2017, for continuing being his smooth self.

Also for being one half of some the best memes out there…

*This is a joke. Please dont hate me… Actually please dont most of the above seriously.

What do you reckon? Are then any awards which we should have included??

Any awards that should have been different?

Any thing that we’ve missed out?

Anything you’d like to see next year on The Church Sofa?

10 Tips For Hosting A Christian Christmas Party

Well, its Christmas. As well as the season of mince pies, Santa, Christmas Carols, nativity plays, and random livestock, it is also the season of the Christmas Party. But how should a Christian host a Christmas party?

Here are 10 tips to help you host a Christian Christmas Party… 

  1. Remember this is a Christian CHRISTMAS Party. Remind people of the authentic Christmas experience, and bring livestock into your home.
  2. Give plenty of thought to the music you play. Sofa recommends something like this.
  3. Boil the mulled wine… lots.
  4. Arrange for someone to sit next to your door in your hallway, whispering scripture into peoples ears as they enter. This is to ensure peoples minds are on scripture as soon as they arrive. (And not on the weirdo sat in your hallway).
  5. Host an outdoor worship service in your garden. Make sure its loud.
  6. As well as remembering the birth of Jesus, this is also the season of giving. Ensure all your guest have a suitable Bible commentary as a present. In regards to any presents you receive, ensure you pause and offer a prayer of thanks before opening EVERY present.
  7. Need a party game? Play guess the Bible Reference.
  8. Its Christmas. The season of GREAT JOY! What ever happens, ensure all your guests are smiling. A lot.
  9. Obviously, you also need to be smiling alot.
  10. In the spirit of the season, have a live nativity scene outside your front door. This is probably better with livestock.

Any I’ve missed?

How To Get Good Seats At The Church Nativity Service

There’s something about Christmas I do currently enjoy. Maybe its markets, perhaps its the Doctor Who specials, or the challenge to mull everything possible. Since Little Sofa has come into the world, I have also started to attend… and kinda enjoy Nativity plays. I have noticed, that as cute as they are, there seems to be A LOT of people wanting to get the good seats whenever their little ones are performing.

What if your church has a nativity service? How do you get good seats while watching the Church Nativity Service?

Here’s our tips*:

  1. Use your secret escape tunnel from church to sneak INTO church.
  2. Ninja skills to sneak past people.
  3. Arrange mince pies to be given out at the right time… walk past the crowd while distraction takes place.
  4. Work as a team with people, and take various different routes to the best seats available. Save the seats for the rest of your team once you get there.
  5. Bible Bash your way to the front.
  6. Wear a jumper saying “I’m Only Here For The Beer”, people will be so busy looking shocked at your jumper, that they will forget to be shocked by the Bible Bashing.
  7. Got a church with pews? Army crawl your way under the pews, past people, and into your ideal pew.
  8. Write your name on the pew the week before. Therefore if anyone sits there, you can justifiably say “Thats my pew!”
  9. Stuck at the back of the queue? Starting from the back, bless each person in turn with free chocolate / mince pies / port etc. Keep working the queue until you get to the front. Not only will you get to the front (and therefore the seats you want), but you’re church also feels blessed by you because of it.
  10. Fly a drone into the church hall. Watch on the drones camera. Possibly while sat in your warm car.

Any other ideas?

*Obviously if you do any of this, people may look at you oddly / arrange for you to be arrested. Good Luck…