Church Sofa Lists

10 Ways Kids Survive A Boring Sermon

How-Kids-Survive A-Boring-Sermon-In-Church

In the past, Sofa has spent many a post (and tweet) pondering how to survive a boring sermon. While all that has been great for the older people in the church, to quote a panicked soul, “Wont somebody think of the children?”

After 5 years of watching, and learning from both Mini Sofa, and other kids around, we’ve collected the following list of how kids can survive a boring sermon:

If you have a bored child, perhaps they’ll find inspiration from the following ideas:

  1. Crawl under the seats, and between the legs of the people sitting in them, until you reach the back and freedom! Just run faster then your grown up!
  2. In a push chair? Chop the bottom out and drive it around Flintstones style! Dont have a push chair? Just pretend the seat you’re on is a car instead!
  3. Does your church have pews? Bring a car in… those little ledges behind each pew makes a great race track. Ensure there are sounds effects.
  4. Be so hungry you could eat a bible… (You’re never to young to digest the word of God right?)
  5. When no one is looking… Check if the fire extinguisher really works! (Based on true story)
  6. Wave at other little people sat in other parts of the hall. Wait till any silent moments before your shout “HELLO”.
  7. Make faces at the preacher during the service. They’ll love it
  8. Is your parent leading the service? Make sure they don’t misbehave by going up front and keeping them company.
  9. Is your parent the hugging, needy type? Demand a hug. When they pick you up… scream that you want to be put down.
  10. You and a friend, see who can run around the Church hall the fastest! See what happens…

Any we’ve missed?

10 Ways That Christian Kids Delay Bed Time

Long time readers of The Sofa will know of my daughter, “Little Sofa”. I don’t mention her often as this place is often about silly church things… not little person things.

Now, if you don’t have kids yourself, they seem to hate the concept of going to relax in a bed and gently going to sleep for the night. (It’s like they believe that they’ll miss out on all the fun if they sleep.)

Normally kids employ tactics to stay up like, running, dancing, needing a wee, and going to the toilet.

Lately I’ve noticed that Little Sofa occasionally tries a different technique to avoid going to sleep… She starts talking about church things… and well I guess we’re never sure how much we should tell her to go to sleep if she’s asking questions about Jesus?

Anyway here’s a collection of Christian style techniques she has employed to stay awake. (Some of which I may have made up):

  1. Opens up and explains what they did at Sunday school / holiday club.
  2. Asks questions about diversity within the human race, and why we’re created differently.
  3. Asks about the people out in the lions den.
  4. “Did Jesus go to school?”
  5. Test parents about deep theological matters.
  6. Starts writing practice. Writing Bible verses.
  7. Insists on a really long prayer.
  8. Sings a long forgotten song from Holiday Club, really nicely, with cute dialed up to 12.
  9. “How does God know our name?”
  10. Complains about a dream during which they are chased by a really big blue book.

Any more you can offer?

When Church Service Leaders Go Rogue.

When-Church-Service-Leaders-Go-Well

Imagine you’ve dragged your none Christian friends / family to Church. Well done. You’ve got them there. Now what if the person leading the service, or giving the sermon is feeling particularly…. adventurous. What if the person leading the service goes a little rogue and says, or encourages everyone to do something a little… different?

What do you NOT want them to say??

How about this collection of comments that may or may not have some bearing on real life events…

  1. “Turn to the person on your right, and make your confession”
  2. “Why don’t we spend a few minutes, where we all share our favorite Bible verses with each other?
  3. “Grab each others hands! Dont be shy! Now lets dance around the hall!”
  4. After the above “Let us all turn, look, and lay hands on the person having an asthma attack after all that dancing!”
  5. “In this time of prayer, we will anoint each other with (baby) oil”
  6. “As we are a family church, lets ensure we treat each other as family. To that end, lets all invite the person sitting in front of us to dinner this week?”
  7. “Let us show our servant heart to each other, and wash the feet of the people next to us”
  8. “Let us sing out own joyful song of praise. In our own Heavenly tongue if needed”
  9. “Wasn’t that a lovely word from the Pastor? I would love it if we could all turn to the people around us, and share 3 things we learnt from Gods word tonight”
  10. “In the spirit of the early Church, I would like us to give each other a Holy Kiss”

Any you could add?

(Its just occurred to me that I could call this “Christian Introvert Nightmares”)

Top 5 Christian Birthday Presents

Its my birthday this week! Woo! I am finally reaching the old age of 32*, and to mark the occasion I figured I would explore the world of Christian gifts, and birthday presents.

Well there more “interesting” things out there, I figured I would kinda base this on my own wish list of stuff (Which for the benefit of any friends and family reading this – IS NOT THE BELOW)

Here is the Church Sofa Top 5 Christian birthday presents: (Clicking some links may provide input to the Sofa Birthday fund)

The Jesus Bottle Opener

Need to open a beer and tell people about love for Jesus? This would be perfect!

Amazon Link

Christian Chocolate Balls?

Because chocolate is good…

Amazon Link

A Christian Paper Weight?

That’s what it is right?

Amazon Link.

Somewhere Inspirational To Put a Pint?

Found at Eden.co.uk

A Christian T Shirt

Perfect for the creationist in your life?

Amazon Link

Any other ideas?

(Dearest family and friends, please feel free to ask for my wish list… please don’t get confused with the above!)

*At least that’s how old I was when I stopped counting.

What Christians Do On Holiday?

Sofa has finally got round to booking some holiday. Now we dont have much booked in, so I consulted a few local church people for ideas of what a Christian should do on holiday.

Here’s a few ideas of what a Christian should do on holiday.

Go and look at some old churches.

Because they are kinda pretty….

Sit somewhere nice and enjoy the view.

Interrupt the  evening of those around you, by asking if they know and love Jesus. Keep talking until they do.

Try Out Your Local Christian Festival.

Could try evangelizing there?

Read your Bible.

Go out somewhere interesting*, and read your bible somewhere a little interesting. Tweet me a picture or something afterwards.

Drink Water. Plenty of Water.

 

Any other suggestions?

*interesting – NOT stupid. I DO NOT WANT PEOPLE TO FALL OF A CLIFF OR DROWN OR ANYTHING!!!

Being Bored At A Christian Festival

Being Bored at a Christian Festival

We’ve all been there. You know everyone is having fun, but you cant help but feel a little bored.
For some reason you can’t find anything to occupy your brain with.
Well, when you’re away from home, this can be rubbish. Therefore The Church Sofa has put together this little wheel spinner, to help you decide what to do, if you’re bored at a Christian Festival.

Any you would add?

Spreading Joy at A Christian Festival

Sofa may receive some some money (not much) if you click on some of the links below…

Over the next month and a bit there will be loads of Christian Festivals all around England, which will attract many Christians from many different Churches from all over the place. With festivals such as Momentum, New Wine, Soul Survivor, Keswick, Greenbelt. and Creation Fest, there are plenty to choose from.

In an attempt to get into the Festival spirit, Sofa decided to write the annual Church Sofa list of the best ways to create trouble at a Christian Festival ask around for ways to spread some “Joy” at these events…

  1. Have a supply of sweets to give out to people.
  2. Be servant hearted. Serve warm milky hot chocolate each night of the festival to the tents around you. On the last night, mix it up with espresso.
  3. Walk up to any musicians / famous Christian singer types and ask if they are U2.
  4. Print a T-Shirt saying “Its not like it used to be around here”.
  5. Walk around with an open wifi hotspot in your pocket. Lock it down so people can only access another festival website.
  6. Lead late night worship sessions. Ensure the worship is honest, by not tuning your guitar… not singing in tune… Also ensure that God can hear by singing loudly.
  7. Ask people if they’ve heard of the Delirious reunion tour, and their “Holy Troublemakers” single*?
  8. Ask everyone for their signature, explain they are all famous in Gods eyes. (Don’t ask famous Christians for their autograph)
  9. Tweet a photo of random peoples signatures to @thechurchsofa. Help me feel included in with the fun.
  10. Be servant hearted. Serve coffee each morning of the festival. Ensure it’s decaf on the last morning.

For more ideas, please check out last years list, Managing Mischief At A Christian Festival.

Disclaimer: Do any of these at your own risk, the Sofa takes no responsibility for any trouble that happens to you if you do this, but if you do end up in Christian Festival Jail, please let us know what that’s like.

*i may have made this up, but there is a song on Stu G’s “The Beatitudes Project” called Holy Troublemakers, which could be mistaken for a reunion.

How To Stay Cool in Church

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but its hot. Well its hot in Devon anyway.

I imagine its also hot elsewhere.

Its also hot in Churches around England.

So how do you deal with Church, when you turn up and its massively hot?

Here are our ten ideas of how to stay cool in church when its massively hot. 

  1. Open the flipping windows!
  2. Have a mass baptism service. Just get everyone into the baptism pool. If nothing else it will cool everyone down.
  3. Give Pizza Hut a call, get a ice cream delivery, yes – to be delivered during the service.
  4. Relocate the church service to the nearest mountain top / river bed / supermarket freezer cabinets.
  5. Give out emergency water bottles.
  6. Install cold showers at the back of the church.
  7. Decrease the chance of any one fainting during the service and just edit EVERYTHING down!
  8. Giant air fans. Everywhere!
  9. Swap out bread and wine for ice cream.
  10. Naked church.

Any other ideas?

10 Things Not To Do During A Communion Service

Have you ever wondered what people who aren’t used to Church services, think about Church services? Have you ever wondered if its clear what you should be doing in a church communion service? Have you ever wondered what you probably should not do during communion?*

Here’s our list…

  1. Sneeze in to the hair of the person in front of you.
  2. Loudly discuss if the common cold is contagious.
  3. Loudly discuss the vintage of the wine, just after you’ve had a sip.
  4. Start a debate about the various names for the communion service.
  5. Give everyone a special Holy Kiss during the peace.
  6. Jesus took communion as part of a meal. Time for a food fight?
  7. Ask your neighbour if they’ve had their flu shots recently.
  8. If you happen to take two bits of bread… anything you can make a sandwich with?
  9. Loudly question the choice of wine, and ask for cider instead. The colder the better
  10. You know the napkin that is passed around with The Communion Cup? Use that to blow your nose.

Any other suggestions?

*The Church Sofa doesn’t accept any responsibilities for any action that results from the above. If you get involved in a food fight, please don’t blame us!