Author Archives: Andy Mackay

Married. Dad. Blogger. Gallifreyan Christian. Social media ninja. Photographer. Support worker. 12th Doctor. Short sentences. I write Bio in.

You_Only_Move_Twice

A Guide For Christians Moving Home

Well, the Church Sofa family have moved home to what is now known as “Sofa Castle”, to celebrate we’ve put together this little collection of tips for moving home, or at least how a Christian should move home.

  1. While looking around people’s homes, during the “house searching” phrase, ensure you leave Christian literature on their dining room table.
  2. When looking for a house, ensure you find a place with enough space for a chapel.
  3. It’s not unheard of for people to leave furniture behind when they move, as sometimes they don’t need it in their new home, or sometimes they just can’t fit it out the door. If you’re leaving a cupboard or anything with a drawer, it will always be nice for the new home owner to discover a copy of the Gideons Bible within it.
  4. Don’t forget to leave your large cross behind on the wall. You can always build a new one.
  5. Pass a letter on to your buyer, via your Christian solicitor, advising of how blessed you hope they’ll be in their new home.
  6. Make sure anything alcohol related is covered up, this is to ensure you aren’t responsible for the faith of your removal men stumbling.
  7. During your house move itself, ensure you take regular breaks for water, food, prayer, praise, and Bible readings.
  8. Once you’ve moved home, ensure you drop Evangelistic leaflets down your road, or if you really want to “Move Like Jesus”, knock on all the doors in your new road and ask them if they want to go to Church with you next Sunday.
  9. Has a neighbour just knocked on your door to introduce themselves? Ask if theres anything you can pray for?
  10. Ensure you play a song like this really really loud, out the windows:

Obviously, dont forget to build that chapel.

Any more you suggest?

Simpsons-Computer

C of E Error Codes

Picture the situation. You’ve been given a piece of paper containing the address of a website thats been recommended to you, you sit down at the computer, you type it into your web browser, and theres something wrong with the address you’ve typed in. If something like this happened you may well see something like “Error 404, Page Not Found” come up on your screen.

Well, there are other Error Numbers but what if they applied to The C of E Church, and not web pages?

Kneewax has asked exactly this question, and compiled a list of “status codes” if they related to the C of E Church:

400 Bad Request
No. You cannot ask God to smite Mrs Miggins.
401 Unauthorized
Similar to 403 Forbidden, but specifically for use when authentication is required and has failed or has not yet been provided. The Archdeacon has not got back to you and you can’t be licensed.
402 Payment Required
Reserved for future use.
The collection has been a bit short recently. No one can leave the service until they’ve given some (gift-aided) donations
403 Forbidden
The Wardens have taken your Church keys away. Unlike a 401 Unauthorized response, authenticating will make no difference.
404 Not Found
The requested resource could not be found but may be available again in the future. The vicar is unavailable. It is not possible to leave a message on their voice-mail.
405 Method Not Allowed
That is not how we celebrate the Communion in this tradition.
406 Not Acceptable
This parish has passed resolution A&B (please provide proof of Y Chromosome before continuing).
407 Proxy Authentication Required
The parish is under the authority of the Bishop of Ebbsfleet.
408 Request Timeout
The server didn’t turn up to help with communion
409 Conflict
You shouldn’t have tried to remove the pews
410 Gone
You succeeded in removing the pews

Read more over at kneewax.wordpress.com.

Times Change and so must I Doctor Who

Times Change…

I seem to be spending a lot of time packing at the moment, I guess its what you do when you up sticks and move from your cosy flat.

As well as packing and unpacking, theres going to be other things going on like unpacking, learning how to mow a lawn, working out what is just “stuff”, and trying to sort out an internet connection. So I guess things are going to be a little quiet around here for a bit whilst we get things sorted.

The Sofa will be coming back, it may come back with a new look, and new things. It might not. But feel free to drop me a line with any ideas of things you may like to see around here.

In the meantime, feel free to track down my “other” twitter account and say hi!

(Image taken from “We All Change”)

Simpsons-Bored-Church

10 ways to create trouble in church… but being biblical about it!

Imagine you’re sat there in Church, and you’re wondering “Wouldn’t it be funny if a particular situation happened”. Obviously you dont do anything about it, because isn’t it a bit naughty to make trouble in Church? What if there was a biblical basis for the trouble you are creating? If you are in a trouble making mood then check out our following list:

  1. Swap your church bibles for something a bit more Greek.
  2. Non alcoholic communion wine? Swap it for something with a bit more kick!*
  3. Bring take out to every communion service… if anyone complains point out that Jesus had communion after a meal.
  4. Someone being baptized? Throw them into a river.**
  5. Encourage everyone looking for a job / training to go into carpentry.
  6. Having a bring and share meal at Church? Bring some locusts…
  7. Ask the preacher to tell you a story.
  8. Are you preaching? Arrive to church dressed in Whale vomit, see what happens.
  9. Before any church meals, demand the minister washes everyones feet.
  10. Organising the next church lunch? Arrange for everyone to only bring milk, or honey.

*You may want to make sure no one has issues with alcohol in your church first.
** Offer life jackets if they can’t swim.

Obviously the sofa takes no responsibility for anything you do as a result of reading this. Ever.

Any one got other ideas?