How To Double Your Church Attendance

Well, I’m not sure whats in the above leaflet, but here’s our list of ways to double you church attendance:

  1. Offer a free pint of beer with every sip of communion wine.
  2. Advertise free cake.
  3. Have a decent clown show.
  4. (In case people are scared of clowns), arrange for scary clowns to chase people in to the church from the street.*
  5. Get many many sofas in.
  6. Two words. Cake Communion.
  7. A screen showing what people are tweeting about the sermon, located above the head of the preacher – therefore… the preacher cant see what people are tweeting about.
  8. Cook Bacon sandwiches deep within the church hall, use an elaborate system of fans to blow the smell out through the doors and into the streets, to lure people in with the smell. Once enough people are in, LOCK THE DOORS!!!
  9. Have a series of helium balloons dotted around the hall. Each time the worship leader sings a chorus more then necessary, he needs to inhale one balloon. One balloon per unneeded chorus repeat, therefore, if the worship leader repeats a chorus ten times, he inhales ten helium balloons.
  10. Big Red Buttons on every seat, that people can push when they’re bored during the sermon. Once boredum level reaches 70%, the preacher gets gunged… something like this…

 

Any more that should be included?

*Be warned. This may possibly not end well – and could be slightly mean.

 

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