How To Give Up ANYTHING For Lent

GivingUpForLent

Lent seems to have arrived early this year. Are you giving up anything for Lent? People seem to give up all sort of things, from Chocolate to Facebook. Whatever it is you’ve giving up for Lent, hopefully we have something here to help you give up anything for Lent.

  1. Have a group of people around you to act as an accountability group. This works best if the same group of people, are around you ALL THE TIME, so therefore can manually remove that chocolate bar from your mouth.
  2. Tell EVERYONE what you’re giving up, because if everyone knows how holy you are, then everyone can help you stay that holy.
  3. If you’re giving up talking, then wear a badge to tell people.
  4. Turn yourself into a hermit for Lent, or alternatively take a very long holiday to the middle of no where for 40 days.
  5. If you’re giving up something edible, then ban anyone from having that item ANYWHERE near your house!
  6. Has “that item” been brought near your house? Confiscate it and keep it for yourself!
  7. If you have an “accountability partner”, ensure you arrange times when you can both give in to temptation together. Obviously by planning the times you’re going to give in, means you’re more controlled the rest of the time. (Works best if you’re “giving up beer” for Lent).
  8. If all else fails, hook up your flat / house with webcams. Ensure that every nook and cranny is covered. Email your vicar with the web address, so they can watch your every move.

Any other ideas?

If all else fails, you could try taking up something good for Lent? Alot of people seem to do 40 Acts for Lent… but does this mean people stop doing good things after Lent?

New Ways To Accidentally Create Moral Outrage in Church

Simpsons_angry_mob

The Church. For all its faults, generally doesn’t do a bad job at being a mad wide personality ranging group of people. The thing is, there is a lot of different people involved in Church. The chances are, someone is going to end up offended in someway… and it will probably be sooner rather then later. We’ve asked around and found the following potential ways to create moral outrage in a Church:

  1. Suggest changes to the coffee rota! (Or worse… change the coffee without checking with people first!)
  2. Mention Donald Trump during a sermon.
  3. It turns out that the day you’re doing anything “up front” is NOT the day to forget your flies AND your underwear.
  4. Have a really bad week, which is then followed by a really bad Saturday, followed up by a really bad Sunday morning, during which you accidentally stub your toe and swear under your breath. Infront of the wrong person.
  5. Casually mention you enjoy watching the wrong TV show or series of movies. (EG. Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter…)
  6. Have a different opinion to the wrong people about the wrong things. Share these opinions.
  7. Wear a t-shirt about drinking beer to a Sunday morning service.
  8. Put the chairs out a little differently…
  9. Click on a dodgy link in Facebook… spam the nervous-about-Facebook-old-dear with dodgy links.
  10. Suggest that the worship team tries something newer then Shine Jesus Shine.

Any others out there?

10 Tips to Survive A Meeting

10 Tips to Survive A Meeting

Its a new week. Its the start of a new month. You may have a meeting coming up at church. Yes. Another church meeting.

The Church Sofa team have sat through some Church related meetings… and other random meetings as well. Here’s someways to help survive yet another meeting:

  1. Subtly text someone else who is also looking bored in the same meeting.
  2. When offered a drink, ask for water. Slowly replace it with Gin when no one is looking.
  3. Pull your phone out, look at the screen and calmly exclaim “oh good God” and rush out. Later on when you’re asked why you left, look slightly embarrassed say sorry “I cant really talk about it. you know how it can be”. confused they will just agree with you. and you are all free!
  4. Try some gentle rocking. That will probably get you excused.
  5. Dont get angry. Getting angry will only lead to the meeting being even longer then it needs to be. But you might want to try sleeping.
  6. Someone not there? I’m sure they’ll love to do “that” job.
  7. Plot how hard you have to fall out your chair to be excused from the meeting, but not need a hospital trip.
  8. Wear one of those glasses which has open eyes on the front. While you enjoy being asleep.
  9. Notepad. Pen. Pretend to write loads of notes. While you’re actually writing a silly Church Sofa list of stuff.
  10. Play a game of “word bingo” with a friend. Obviously feel free to cheat, but when your list of words have been spoken during the meeting you do have to shout out “BINGO!”

Any more tips to share?